can I whine?

[bethanie]

I know that in the grand scheme of things this isn't a big issue. It's my brother. I moved out to Charlotte about a year and a half ago because my brother is here (along with his wife and son), and being recently seperated with an X who wasn't willing to be a hands on dad, I thought I could use family around. We've also got family in Knoxville, NJ, and MS. We moved from Seattle so we are actually much closer to everyone.

The problem. If it is one. My apartment. It's small...a one bedroom. But I mean heck, it looks nice inside, is in my budget, I'm getting some important bills taken care of and thinking about starting school. It's in a great neighborhood and across the street from church. My daughter goes to a good school. And you know, we're happy.

But my brother called tonight, and he's not happy we're choosing to stay here well, indefinitely. Getting another place is simply not at the top of my priority list right now. Working, taking care of Madison, making sure we have enough (money, food, etc) and working on my career to include getting back to school are all at the top of my list.

We live in an old building. My brother is 'worried' about our building. But what I hear when he talks like this is "you guys aren't good enough, you don't live in a nice enough place...I'm ashamed of you." Personally I think the worried thing is just a ploy and that he and his wife have a difficult time visiting here because it's 'beneath' them to be in our little apartment. They simply have higher standards. I hear it in his voice all the time and I HATE it. My brother (and I do love him and all...but sometimes I don't like him very much, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual) is a SNOB. He is ashamed that he grew up poor and has been trying to put as much distance between himself and poverty as he can since he left home. I'm not presentable. I don't measure up. It's exactly like being in HS and coming home to present your parents with a less than honorable report card.

But I am self sufficient, and I am happy in my life and the things I'm doing in my life. I know this is some sort of hold-over sibling rivalry and the fact is we are two different people with different priorities. But it stinks he can't just be happy that I'm okay with who I am and what I have.

Alright, I'm done. I'm just whining, pay no attention. Oh, and I do love my brother. ;) I just find him annoying.

B

[dvmarie]

Bet it felt good to get that off your chest. :hug:

I struggle with the same type of thing (sort of). In my business my co-workers and peers are very different from me. I'm basically the "vegetarian hippy" (they say it playfully, but I know they really kind of mean it). I feel like sometimes people just don't know what to do with me :) Used to bother me - but I"m kind of immune now.

[AuroraLily]

You are doing a fabulous job. Be proud of yourself and don't let your brother put you down. Your daughter is happy and healthy and so are you; that's great! :hug:

[Lothar M Kirsch]

Don´t let your brother be your judge. You decide! Telling your brother that you´re in charge and that your appartment is good neough for you doesn´t mean slapping his dace. Good luck! :)

[rabid_child]

I know how you feel. My brother is the same way. My sister (who is in college) has the actual life goal of getting married and being a stay at home mom. My brother has told her that would be a waste of her life :\
I don't know why, if you're happy, people have to butt in.

[monkeyandbunny]

I know exactly how you feel... I have been in that position with both friends and family. It's as if you want to say.. "Umm sorry, but success doesn't equal a 10,000 square foot house (with no living room furniture but I digress) in a candy-a.ss subdivision with 2 gigantic gas chugging suburban death cruisers parked in the drive way."

Think of it this way, he's scared you're going to "blow his cover". He doesn't want you to expose him. Besides, when he's up to his eyeballs in debt for keeping up with the Joneses, whose going to have the last laugh?

This worked for me in a similar situation, I said. "Can you tell me why my house bothers you?" It seems to upset you and I'm concerned, what can I do to make YOU happy?" As soon as he realizes that HE is the one with the problem and not you, he'll get the picture and keep his mouth shut.

So what you have a small apartment? You're in a nice neighborhood with a good school for your daughter and you're close to church. You've got it made! Kudos for living within your means too! I applaud that! :D

[kristadb]

:hug:
:hug:

[bethanie]

This worked for me in a similar situation, I said. "Can you tell me why my house bothers you?" It seems to upset you and I'm concerned, what can I do to make YOU happy?" As soon as he realizes that HE is the one with the problem and not you, he'll get the picture and keep his mouth shut.

What a good idea! Exactly what I will do next time he brings it up.




Thanks EVERYONE for the kind words. I know the bottom line is that it's HIS problem not mine. It's just the tip of the iceberg with my brother and sil though. I love them. But they are ODD. My SIL stays home, but has sent their son to daycare every since he was born. Now...I worked in daycare and I respect having to work to support children and thus having them in care. But she stays home, he goes to school, she organizes, shops and probably thinks of all the ways in which my life since I've been here just hasn't gone as she'd hoped. ;) These she ultimately shares with my brother (hense the unexpected and somewhat sudden call with the sole purpose of asking me <cough> when I'd be moving out of my dilapidated old building), and he feels compelled to share these thoughts with me under the guise of 'concern.'

ACK. I think I just don't have enough ambition for them. She seemed very disapointed last summer when I decided to stay home with my daughter during my school break instead of taking up a second job. Instead we toured the Charlotte area, when on several trips (cheap family visits) and had a VACATION. I'm going to do the same thing this summer, with the exception that I might start taking one or two courses as well. And she's going to be up in arms again.

Sorry to whine. They're just nuts. As my sister always says, "Remember, it's not you, it's THEM."

[mushroom]

We have relatives that are extremely wealthy and others that are quite poor. Sometimes the wealthy ones bother me with their arrogance or gluttony, but the poor ones don't bother me. I can't imagine caring that they live in a small apartment.

Sibling rivalry?
Well, he should be happy - he "won" after all.