when a friend owes you money...

[kpickell]

What would you do in this situation.

A friend asked me to buy something (football tickets for $100) on the internet because he didn't have a credit card and said he'd pay me back before the credit card bill was due. Well the day came that he said he'd pay me back and I hadn't seen any money up to this point and I get a call from him and he says he left the money for me at my work that day. But I'm at work and there's no money there, nothing with my name on it, and nobody working that day says they saw this person (they know him). I told him this and he just says he dropped it off. Now, a couple weeks later I haven't heard anything from this guy (and usually he is the one who calls me, two or three times a week). Don't know what I should do. I kinda need that money. I feel like he's lying to me about dropping off the money, but I don't want to call him a liar. I don't want to ruin a friendship over something stupid, but it is upsetting. I guess I've learned my lesson about loaning money. I don't know...

[JLRodgers]

Isn't there a thing of never to loan money or go into business with a friend?
I loaned money to bail a friend out, and have seen very little of it back -> and that's come from another friend who's just paying me and billing her.

It does seem kind of suspecious that there haven't been any calls or a lot less frequent calls. It'd seem like he did lie about dropping it off... but there could be other reasons too. I'm sure he'd say that he dropped the money off in cash so someone probably stole it (making it that you can't prove he didn't drop it off)... not really sure... could bring up the fact that no one at work saw him drop off anything, and there wasn't anything at your desk, name on it, etc, so you wondered how he did it (of course... you could ask what he dropped it off in).

[kristadb]

If you ever give money to friends or family, assume you will never get it back. Also assume that you will never see as much of them.

It sucks :(

[Kreeli]

i never give loans. i subscribe to the "pay it forward" method of money sharing. i'll give when asked, as long as they promise to do the same, when it is possible for them.

sorry about your friend, though, kpickell. that sucks.

[Peebs]

Baseball bat.

[veggrl]

I hate lending money, but Ive had it lent to me, so Id hate to say never lend. Of course, I paid it back when I promised to.

Did he say whith whom he left the money?
If it is a very close friend, is his friendship worth more than $100 to you? If you really wanted you could have a heart felt conversation, say something like "You know, Id understand if something happened and you just cant pay it back, perhaps you should be more careful about borowing in the future, but our friendsip is more important than $100, however, not being honest hurts our friendship more than the money" Well, thats what I would say anyway.

[Strix]

I know this would be really difficult (and I can't say for sure I would even do it), but have you thought about telling him how you feel? That you feel that some of the story is missing. Or maybe that you would like to clear this up so there will be no doubts floating in your head. And, of course, tell him you won't be mad or upset if he didn't really return the money; you just want to know the truth. That would probably save the friendship, though may not get you your money back :) And that is, of course,if he tells the truth. The most difficult part is that if he insists he did pay, maybe he did! And in the end, you will just have to choose whether to believe him or not.
Depending on how good a friend you consider this person should be a factor in how you decide to carry on. I'm thinking a really good friend wouldn't lie about that to begin with...

[EquiPro]

Write it off, and call it a lesson learned. I almost never "lend" money to anyone and assume that I will get it back. I only lend that which I could lose and not feel angry about it.

I would approach your friend in this manner:


Hey, friend! You know that I put that $100 on my credit card for those tickets. Are you intending to pay that money back to me? You said that you left the money, but it isn't there. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that the money got back into my hands, and I feel that it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to find out what happened to it. In the meantime, I want you to pay me back, and I want to know if you intend to do so. If so, let's work out a schedule and you can sign me an I.O.U. If you DON'T intend to pay me back, then let me know now, and we can move along on this. Oh, btw, I'm not sure how our friendship will end up if you don't pay me back, but you can be sure that people will know that you are a bad credit risk.

Forget about worrying about calling him a liar. He has created a situation that puts YOU in the hot seat. I don't believe for a moment that he just walked into your work and said, "Hey, here's a $100 for so and so - give it to her, wouldja?" Without making sure that he knew who he gave the money to. If he did, he's an idiot.

You have learned a valuable lesson. Be greatful that it was only $100. Next time don't lend what you aren't willing to lose, and, if you DO lend someone some money, get them to sign a note saying that they owe you the money and when and how it will be paid back.

[EquiPro]

I know this would be really difficult (and I can't say for sure I would even do it), but have you thought about telling him how you feel? That you feel that some of the story is missing. Or maybe that you would like to clear this up so there will be no doubts floating in your head. And, of course, tell him you won't be mad or upset if he didn't really return the money; you just want to know the truth. That would probably save the friendship, though may not get you your money back :) And that is, of course,if he tells the truth. The most difficult part is that if he insists he did pay, maybe he did! And in the end, you will just have to choose whether to believe him or not.
Depending on how good a friend you consider this person should be a factor in how you decide to carry on. I'm thinking a really good friend wouldn't lie about that to begin with...

No offense, Strix, but that is the wishy washiest way in the world to respond to this situation. It's doesn't matter if the "friend" is telling the truth - it was his responsibility to make sure that she got the money. I'm not sure that a friendship of this type is worth saving. If he didn't pay it back, and is lying about it, then that is no type of friend to have. If he DID leave it at work, he is a complete idiot and untrustworthy (btw, he probably did not leave it at work), and I would be loath to have a friend like that, too.

[Thalia]

Write it off, and call it a lesson learned. I almost never "lend" money to anyone and assume that I will get it back. I only lend that which I could lose and not feel angry about it.

I would approach your friend in this manner:


Hey, friend! You know that I put that $100 on my credit card for those tickets. Are you intending to pay that money back to me? You said that you left the money, but it isn't there. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that the money got back into my hands, and I feel that it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to find out what happened to it. In the meantime, I want you to pay me back, and I want to know if you intend to do so. If so, let's work out a schedule and you can sign me an I.O.U. If you DON'T intend to pay me back, then let me know now, and we can move along on this. Oh, btw, I'm not sure how our friendship will end up if you don't pay me back, but you can be sure that people will know that you are a bad credit risk.

Forget about worrying about calling him a liar. He has created a situation that puts YOU in the hot seat. I don't believe for a moment that he just walked into your work and said, "Hey, here's a $100 for so and so - give it to her, wouldja?" Without making sure that he knew who he gave the money to. If he did, he's an idiot.

You have learned a valuable lesson. Be greatful that it was only $100. Next time don't lend what you aren't willing to lose, and, if you DO lend someone some money, get them to sign a note saying that they owe you the money and when and how it will be paid back.
I agree. It's not the money, it's that this person is lying. I wouldn't end a friendship over money owed, but I would over blatent deception and insulting my intelligence. Consider it a $100 lesson, as others have said.

I loan my brother money all the time and friends small amounts (eating out, etc.) But I do so with the assumption that I will never see it again, and I don't even write it down. They pay me back or they don't. I don't want to create tension in the relationship over it. Because if you really want your money back, don't lend it to friends or family, and have them sign an IOU.
Same goes with borrowing books, CD's etc.

[firebird_81]

May I speak frankly? I agree with the others who said to take this as a $100 lesson and let it go. I'd also go a step further, though, and say that this is not a friendship that is worth saving. Not to put too fine a point on it, but he's a liar and a thief. He goes from calling you every few days to not calling at all? He "dropped the money off" at your work (if he came into your work, why couldn't he come to your desk?)? He's guilty as hell and can't face you any more. I understand this sucks and $100 is a lot to lose, but I don't think you're ever going to see this money.

My Mom once gave me some great advice. She said that people who use the old "don't have a credit card" line usually mean they CAN'T get a credit card. Which means no bank trusts them enough with money - why should you? I know, hindsight is 20-20, but remember in the future that the criteria that a bank uses to determine whether to lend money (employment history, bill-paying history, etc.) is the same criteria you should use. Especially for something as frivolous as football tickets. It's not like he asked you for money to feed his kids. (Now, I know that there are people who don't carry credit cards by choice, but they usually have the money to pay for things in cash. And if they needed to, they could apply and get a credit card in a day.)

I have lent money to friends or family in the past, but very rarely. I usually try to get around just giving cash, too, by paying directly whatever they need. (In other words, if they say they need gas money, I'll buy them a $50 gas card. My cousin had a doctor's bill for her daughter that she couldn't pay; I contacted the doctor's office directly and paid it.)

[Strix]

No offense, Strix, but that is the wishy washiest way in the world to respond to this situation. It's doesn't matter if the "friend" is telling the truth - it was his responsibility to make sure that she got the money. I'm not sure that a friendship of this type is worth saving. If he didn't pay it back, and is lying about it, then that is no type of friend to have. If he DID leave it at work, he is a complete idiot and untrustworthy (btw, he probably did not leave it at work), and I would be loath to have a friend like that, too.

Well, maybe Equipro, but it's really hard to judge someone else's situation. It also depends on the friendship, how good it is, this person's past behavior, their personality, etc. -- all things I don't have a clue. I would *never* "drop off" $100 at someone's work; that's just stupid. But not all people think the same; some do dumb stuff like that.
If this were a good friend, it wouldn't cross my mind that they were lying. So if there's reason to doubt, I would say the friendship isn't as strong and he should just let it and the friendship go.
Also, what if he *did* leave it? If this were a good friend who has a good, consistent record and has proved to be trustworthy, I would give them the benefit of the doubt and let it go. A true friendship is worth more than a lousy $100.

[SunnyK]

I lost a friendship (perhaps a warm-acquaintanceship) in the following way:

My best friend / roommate, whom I had lived with for several years, received an excellent job offer in another state, which I encouraged her to take. We had a few (4 or 5?) months left on our lease. She said she'd go on paying her share of the rent if I couldn't find a roommate -- with her new salary it wouldn't be an outrageous hardship for her. She totally kept her end of that bargain :up: But I really wanted to find someone so that she wouldn't have to keep paying.

So, a "friend" from the same apartment complex had a roommate who was moving out -- their lease was up. He said he'd like to join me for the rest of my lease, and then take over the apartment after that. Sounded perfect, as I was wanting to move.

The utilities were all in my name already, of course, and there didn't seem to be a need to change them immediately.

Long story short: when I moved out, he owed me $80 for the final month's utilities. He "didn't have it." I was out of town for a few months (going back to university), and when I saw him again he still "didn't have it." We were both working menial jobs at the time, and I said, "Hey, fine, give me $10 a week." He paid me once. Then never mentioned it again.

I was so angry :grr: I felt it was beneath my dignity to even ask him for it again... he should know what he owes, and respect it -- and me!

Only the one who is owed has the right to say a debt is voided! Not the one who owes it!

I've seen him from time to time, and he always acts like, "Geez, why is she so pissy with me?"

Here's a clue: YOU VALUE SEVENTY DOLLARS MORE THAN ME. Sure as **** that'll make me pissy.

I saw him a few weeks ago, and he was all warm and gushy and "Hi! How are you!" I said, "Fine, you got my seventy bucks?" and walked off. He seemed confused. Oh, easy for you to forget, is it??



It's not about the amount of money; it's about respect and personal responsibility.

[kpickell]

Thanks for all the advice!

It's not the money that bothers me as much as I keep thinking he lied about paying me back and that's why he hasn't called since. His birthday's coming up though, so I suppose I'll call and talk to him and see what's up. He's not a close friend, but a good aquaintance. Oh well. Firebird, good point about the credit card. I've learned my lesson I guess.

[Kiz]

There is a very faint possibility that the person he dropped it off to at your work pocketed it and didn't say anything. Maybe ask him who he dropped it off with, then talk to them. Maybe they kept it hoping you'd never raise the subject so they could keep it? That way if you do confront him, you can at least say.. "so and so said that never happened", rather than a vague "it just wasn't there". I don't know.. I'd go another route from the others, I'd get the money out of him before dropping him as a friend.

[Thalia]

I don't know.. I'd go another route from the others, I'd get the money out of him before dropping him as a friend.Good point!

[Wiccanveg]

My Mom once gave me some great advice. She said that people who use the old "don't have a credit card" line usually mean they CAN'T get a credit card. Which means no bank trusts them enough with money - why should you? I know, hindsight is 20-20, but remember in the future that the criteria that a bank uses to determine whether to lend money (employment history, bill-paying history, etc.) is the same criteria you should use.

Unfortunetly I have to disagree with your moms advice. I at, 23 and have never had a credit card. I see the debt that my best friend, who is also my room mate gets into and have chosen not to go along that road not because I can't get one. Credit cards have nothing to do with the banks, they have to do with credit card companies.

And a bank loan is totally different then than a credit card.

[kpickell]

Well, good news, I guess. I talked to him tonight, and a while into the conversation I asked him when I'd get the money he owed me and he says he still has it and hasn't spent it and will give it to me next time I see him. !? He didn't say anything about dropping it off, as if he had forgot about that. So I verified that he had the money on him and then asked why he told me he dropped it off if he didn't. He says the whole dropping money off at work thing was a joke. Umm, okay. And he says he hasn't called in a while because he's been busy at work with a new job. Okay. Whatever. So anyways, he did lie about dropping off the money, for whatever reason, I don't understand, but he says he still has the money and hopefully I'll find him tomorrow to get it. : )

[Kiz]

Unfortunetly I have to disagree with your moms advice. I at, 23 and have never had a credit card. I see the debt that my best friend, who is also my room mate gets into and have chosen not to go along that road not because I can't get one. Credit cards have nothing to do with the banks, they have to do with credit card companies.

And a bank loan is totally different then than a credit card.


I'm with you on this one. A lot of people don't have credit cards because they don't want them. I don't have one, it's daft to live beyond your means.

[Alec Eiffel]

Doesnt sound like someone worth your time. Other than what everyone else has said, I can only say this: Dont give anyone money if you intend on getting it back.

[Sola]

Don't lend books either. They'll come back rag-torn
:)

[SallyK]

kpickell, I hope you get your money back. Sounds promising!!

I feel your pain. I had a good friend & repeat Arbonne client buy her Christmas gifts from me (at the time I was thinking "cha-ching!"). She wrote me a check and almost a week and a half later my bank mailed it back to me. They refused it for whatever reason and are charging me a big fat fee for that. So now I'm out big $$ unless I can get ahold of her. She and I usually talk every week. I haven't heard from her in a long time. I left her a sweet "Merry Christmas" message last week and a sweet "Happy New Year" message yesterday. I'm starting to feel like she intended to screw me. I could potentially lose a friend AND a client.