My daughter has recently gained a few extra pounds and looks a little pudgy around the middle. Her father and I haven't said anything, as we have seen her go through several pudgy stages only to shoot up in heighth and become leaner. Recently, she has been told that her diet must change due to health (weight has never been mentioned in any of this), so she has been switched to a vegetarian diet with very little (and I mean VERY little) sweets. (she went from drinking Dr. Pepper with her dad to only water and stevia sweetened tea) Anyway, the thing that is bothering me is that all of a sudden she has become painfully aware of her pudgy tummy. She takes belly dance and will be performing at the end of this month. While shopping for a top for her costume, she informed me that she doesn't want anyone to see her tummy because she feels it looks fat. Following that statement, I have become more aware of her belittling comments about herself. This is a child who was always open and free and who was never ashamed of her body. What happened? and What do can I do to help her?

Recently, she has been told that her diet must change due to health (weight has never been mentioned in any of this)

Who told her this and were you there for the conversation? The reason I ask is to know that there weren't undertones of fatphobia there. Even though they may not have told her she was fat, it could have been perceived by her as being implied.

My step daughter went through this too. She had always been really skinny and then put on some weight around 8 or so. She was talking about going on a diet. I worked hard at getting her to understand that her body is going through changes and adjusting from being a toddler to a preteen. All kinds of quirky things are going to happen. Like, one year her feet will seem too big for her body. The next year maybe her teeth will seem too big for her mouth. And the rest of the body is growing too...including the tummy. It's going to grow out and up but not necessarily together. Tell her to hold on and continue to do what she's doing. That her height will catch up to her weight and even everything out.

She is a rose bud waiting to be on the verge of blooming. Rose buds, when they very first appear, are very small for the stem they are on. The leaves are small too. But, as the bud grows from day to day, it grows into its stem size and then explodes into a thing of beauty. Let her know it's not time for her to bloom quite yet. But when she does, stand back as everyone want to see the pretty flower!

Have you explained to her that she is just growing and that is how her body grows? Most children I've known have grown in the same fashion: gained weight, then grew taller.

Children are so anti-fat though. I saw on TV once a group of elementary school students said they'd rather lose an arm than be fat. Thats just absurd. I know plenty of beautiful people with all different body types. It would be nice if everyone understood this... Find out if kids are teasing her in school or anything.

Thanks for the replies.

I was with her when she was told to eat differently. The person was my reflexologist, and she is extremely gentle and kind to all her clients, but even more so to children. My husband wonders if she has heard me complain about gaining weight and is pulling from that. He very well may be correct and I may need to be more cautious about what I say and where I am when I say it.

She is home schooled, so she's not getting comments from that angle. She is, however, in ballet and belly dance, and could very well be picking up on comments from other students. She is the heaviest in her ballet class and she commented on that once to me. I would have thought that belly dance would be easier on the "body image" issue, but perhaps I'm wrong there. I have tried to explain that her body is growing in different stages and that things will even out with time - perhaps I haven't explained it well enough. I really liked your explaination, Ms RuthieB. My daughter loves roses and that's a wonderful comparison. I do think it's a shame that our children begin at such young ages to worry about weight issues. I am sure the media (magazines & tv) have much to do with this. After all, have you ever seen a successful child star who is over weight? I am at least thankful that her ballet school in general doesn't rate people based upon their size. The owners' daughter is pudgy and it's obvious that it matters not to them.

Do you think it would help if I make her a costume that's more figure flattering for her performance? I want to make her feel good about herself, but I also need to certain that she doesn't mistake my kindness for confirming a negative body size. Boy...this is one area that one needs to tread on very lightly.

I was in ballet class when I was a kid...7 or so I think. Somewheres around there. Anyhow, I'm bottom heavy. Always have been. And my legs aren't really that long. There was a girl there...I still remember her first and last name after all this time. She was a year or so older than me. I was having a hard time getting one of the moves and she whispered to me "don't worry about getting it...it's not like a boy would ever be able to lift you on stage anyhow. Your butt's too big." It hurt me when she first said it and I didn't cry at first. Looking back I think I was in shock at first. Later than night as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep her words kept repeating over and over in my head. I cried myself to sleep.

And I dropped out of ballet class.

So, yes you must tread lightly and choose your words carefully. She looks up to you obviously so your words as well as your actions are taken to heart more so than anyone elses.

I think you should make her a special costume. But include her. Matter of fact, make it a mother daughter project. That would be the perfect time to relate a positive story that would nourish her from the inside..boost her self esteem. If that is healthy, everything else that follows will be healthy too.

This is a good article I found for you. Check out the links mentioned on the bottom. This might help you approach the situation.
http://www.modernmom.info/Articles/article1.htm

I especially like http://www.bodypositive.com/ and http://www.girlsinc.org/. Check 'em out and then maybe share some things on the sites with her.

I have a favorites folder for my step daughter. I put stuff like this (along with fun stuff of course) in the folder. She knows that these are the sites she's allowed on. Des always looks forward to looking in her folder because there's always a few new items added (she stays with us every other weekend). Maybe you can reach you daughter with the materials in this way? Just a thought...

children model the behaviour they see in their parents. what you do and say affects your daughter more than anything in the media or from other children or doctors. if you are very negative about your own self-image, she will pick up on that. project self-confidence and body love, and she will too, no matter what her size.

i also think it's very important that you emphasize that all people are shaped differently and weigh different amounts. you have mentioned before that you are a full figured woman. genetically, your daughter has a better chance at also growing up full figured. do not say things like, "don't worry, it's just baby fat, you'll grow out of it." she might not...and that's okay. just teach her to value differences in appearance among people, and to take care of her body through nutritious diet and activity and let go of the weight thing as an indicator of beauty and/or health.

also, it's important to show her that big people can be dancers, too. check this site out:

http://www.bigmoves.org

Thanks Ms.Ruthie and Kreeli. I am going to implement all of your suggestions. I love my daughter very much and I don't want her to feel badly about herself. I think I will make the costume making thing a mother/daughter event. Perhaps that will make her feel better about wearing the costume. I really hope the body image issue will work itself out. My daughter has always been an outgoing child who loves performing for others. I would hate to see her beautiful "butterfly" personality fade away. Thanks for the loving support!

Wow...show her these (http://www.bigmoves.org/aerialphoto.html) pics from the site Kreeli posted. Ok, now I'm motivated! :p

Some kids just have pudgy tummies.. it's normal. My son started to worry about his tummy after some kid made a comment. I told him not to worry about it and it's just the way he's built.

i'm so glad you are taking this seriously and you care enough to try and make your daughter feel better about her body. i've heard some parents say the crappiest things to their children regarding weight or body image. ack - i feel like screaming at them! i don't know much about children, but i do know that so much is internalized, even though adults may not realize the impact of what they are saying.

i hope your daughter has a wonderful time at her performance.... :)

I loved the sites, Kreeli and Ms. Ruthie. I also appreciate the commendation, VP. I know that all of your advice will benefit me and my daughter greatly. :)

I have no advice for you but I did want to make a few comments.

This is a very interesting thread. I seem to say that about a lot of these threads but this one speaks to me in particular. One of my friends has a 3 year old daughter who is already very self-conscious about her tummy. As 3 year olds generally go, she has a tummy - she's not a heavy child at all but she hasn't exactly begun puberty so it's understandable that she has the typical 3 year old body.

This is very sad to me. She's only 3 and is already aware of weight issues! I can only imagine this is the direct result of seeing her mother (my friend) go through diet after diet and constantly talk about how unhappy she is with her body. It's really a tragedy, IMO.

I'm very glad you're so sensitive to the needs of your child. Hopefully you've caught things early enough to help her overcome her self-consciousness. I dread that the cause may be out of your direct control though. Children can be very cruel to each other and, often, there's very little that can be done about it. I have no children myself but, because I was a large child (very tall, not necessarily overweight), I've dealt with my share of body issues. Hopefully the answer is that as you begin to accept yourself and your body, she will follow suit.

I have a certain sensitivity to daughters and women in general. I'm a staunch feminist and I hate to see these dangerous stereotypes about body types and their negative impact on womens' self-esteem. I really wish your daughter and you the best of luck. From your obvious concern I'm sure she will overcome this and get back to being your beautiful little butterfly again!

p.s. I think the idea about the costume is fantastic. Good luck!

i have to say that my concerns came directly from my mother. hers came from i don't know where and her gymnastics coach.

when my mom was a teen, she was very active. She did ballet, gymnastics, and swimming. She was incredibly fit. She had bowed legs, which negatively affected her ballet and gymnastics, which meant she would never be "tops" on the teams that she was on (and she was on very competitive teams), but she was excellent at instructing, choreography, etc.

My mother has what many woman have, and that's lower abdominal muscles that are more rounded (more cylendrical shaped), than the common flat/rectangular shape of the male lower abdominals (just below the navel). Some women have smaller muscles here, but my mother's are large. Also, at her leanest, that spot is where she holds fat--at one time we both had a two inch square of fat on those muscles.

Throughout her teen years, my mother got nearly constant comments about her "poochy" tummy from her gymnastics coach. Combine this is the frustration of another girl in school (who was not as good of a gymnast or dancer as my mother) got all the attention of being the best at both--when my mom usually developed her choreography for competitions and shows. THis girl was a good two inches taller than mom, with not so much of a tummy, larger breasts (mom had very small breasts, still does), and longer legs. So, mom felt like crap even though she was a good dancer and gymnast and had a great knack for the specifics. She would even work after school and practice with the other team mates to improve their performance.

So, my mom became obcessed with her tummy. She wasnt' fat, or anything else, just obcessed. When i was little, it's what i heard about most.

even worse, she made comments about MINE because i have the same genetic muscular shape as my mother. So, it was always (from the time i was about 6 or 7 on) "hold in your stomach" "don't pooch out your stomach" etc etc. It was rough.

Years later, i realized that this is a structural issue. There is nothing i can do to change it. I get lean, i look great, i still have "a pooch" there. It's not large. Literally a four or five inch space that sticks out about an inch or two. no one else sees it but me. And even then, i have to remind myself--that's what it's supposed to look like.

I'm extra careful about commenting about people's bodies--and even my own around other people. When others make comments about their tummies, i often talk about the shape of abominal muscles, body types (some have "softer" tummies than others, and that's perfectly fine and natural), and that strength and functionality is more important than having a Victoria Secret model's abs. When you have a good, strong, healthy abdominal region (and lower back), you'll feel great, and therefore look great--no matter what size, shape, etc.

So, i have to vote for the fact that kids are very sensitive to what their parents do, say, etc. i know that i was. Understanding where my mom was coming from, and then my own problems with it, and working through that--it really helped. I'm happy with my body. I've gained about 10 lbs of muscle in the last year or so, which is amazing. I'm quite please with it. Abs look the same.

It's funny how the opinions of others can really affect us. When I was a teenager, I was about a size 4. I'm 5'4 and I weighed between 105-110. My mother, who is 5'7 and weighed 135 or so, (NEVER battled a weight issue) would tell me that I was fat. So, when I hit high school, I would literally starve myself. I would go for a week at a time without eating food just to keep from gaining a pound. As an adult, I look back and realize how destructive that was. I now suffer with thyroid problems, a liver problem and terrible low self esteem. I am a size 18/20 and hate it. I try not to talk about this in front of my daughter, but perhaps she has picked up on my neg. feelings towards myself and has placed those upon herself. It's interesting, though, that her father and I have always spoken directly to her in a positive manner. We tell her daily how beautiful, smart, creative, funny, etc. she is and we praise her constantly. I guess it's really true when they say that children learn more from what we do than what we say. I will have to work harder at improving my own self image - after all, I never want her to feel the way my mother made me feel. Thanks all for your comments.

one of my earliest memories (i think i was maybe 2 or 3) is of being at the beach with my 20 year old SLIM mother, and asking her why she wouldn't lay down on her side to play cards with me on our blanket, and her replying that she had to remain on her back or else all her "rolls of fat" would show. that wasn't the only time my mom modelled fatphobia and self-loathing for me, but that stuck with me all through my life.

when i had my own children i decided that they would ONLY see and hear me loving my body, being active, and eating well. they would never hear me making negative comments about other people's bodies or appearances. they might hear other people say mean things about women my size, but they would see that i do not fit the stereotypes and would understand it is prejudice, not reality, that keeps fat people down.

i want my kids to grow up with self confidence and attitude, no matter what size they are. i know that doesn't come from out of thin air. i wish the same for all children everywhere.

i want my kids to grow up with self confidence and attitude, no matter what size they are. i know that doesn't come from out of thin air. i wish the same for all children everywhere.


i feel the same way--and i think most parents do. I think it's tough though, as we are all still working out our own stuff. My mom is still working out her stuff--and so there is an aspect of it that bleeds through. . .including the fact that she's working through it.

so, i think the best that i can do is work thrugh my own issues to the best of my ability, and then be and model how i think it should be.

I think you're doing that--and i also think it can be very tough. :)

I think that from what I have gleaned from everyone's comments is that I need to love myself just as I love my daughter. I openly confess that I don't like myself and as much as I had hoped this wouldn't be noticed by my daughter, I have to admit, I'm only lying to myself. I don't know what you did, Kreeli, to love yourself as you do, but I would love it if you would share more thoughts on this subject.

I may have also overreacted about my daughter's concerns for her tummy. I had a talk with her and she tole me she's okay with performing now and she's not worried about her tummy any more. She said she doesn't care what size a person is and that she thinks my being over weight makes me fluffier and more comfy to sit on. I guess maybe I have my own demons to deal with and that's where the real problem lies. Amazing how our children make us see what we try so hard to hide.

Gosh I can't stress enough how important a parents unconditional and uncritical support is here...
I know how it feels when you feel your parents think you are fat...
They want to help you, but a kid can't fathom this...
They just feel it is critisism...
You are so right, it is a subject to be treated gently, indeed...
As long as she knows you love her no matter what her size and that you of all people would never be critical of her or stop loving her, that she is unique and that these things make her truly beautiful...
Perhaps explain that things like bellies are only on the surface, that those things won't matter to those that really care about her, and I think she will be just fine...
Maybe tell her that a special belly covering costume would be fine with you, although you think it's not needed, and that her belly looks just fine to you but that you will be glad to do it if it makes her feel more comfortable...
I don't know if that would be a negative confirmation or not...
Talk it over with her father first and see what he thinks about it...
I think letting her know that she is still growing and changing is very important and it is important to show her that everyone has different body types...
Good Luck, I feel you are a very understanding mom, and that she is a lucky girl to have you!

I think that from what I have gleaned from everyone's comments is that I need to love myself just as I love my daughter. I openly confess that I don't like myself and as much as I had hoped this wouldn't be noticed by my daughter, I have to admit, I'm only lying to myself. I don't know what you did, Kreeli, to love yourself as you do, but I would love it if you would share more thoughts on this subject.

I may have also overreacted about my daughter's concerns for her tummy. I had a talk with her and she tole me she's okay with performing now and she's not worried about her tummy any more. She said she doesn't care what size a person is and that she thinks my being over weight makes me fluffier and more comfy to sit on. I guess maybe I have my own demons to deal with and that's where the real problem lies. Amazing how our children make us see what we try so hard to hide.


i'm glad you're daughter is feeling better about her appearance. i hate to be a "negative nancy" but her struggle with self-image has just begun. women's bodies and their feelings about them fuel multi-billion dollar industries for weight loss and beauty "aids", products, and services and we are all bombarded with the message that we aren't good enough, no matter what we do to change our natural appearances. most of us are thoroughly brainwashed to keep lining the pockets of these barons of low self esteem and we contribute to it by trying to keep one ANOTHER down, too.

there is really no big secret to how i became who i am today. i spent the entire decade of my teen years and the first few years of my 20s punishing myself for how i am naturally built by alternately starving myself as well as binging and purging. it was very tiring and hard to constantly hate myself. it takes a lot of energy and time to keep up all the self-loathing, and as far as i could tell, the pay off was a big ZERO. no matter how what i did to change my body, i never felt "good enough"...and as that fact began to sink in, i had a real health crisis that put me on the path of balanced eating and regular activity (the only true way to be a healthy person). i spend a good deal of my time seeking out and reading body positive materials. i try to point out fatphobia and fat prejudice when i see, hear or read it. the last thing i want my children to grow up feeling is hate for themselves, and to see them follow the same self-destructive path i did for so many years. and as time goes by, i can see that although i am spending as much time now planning healthy meals, getting exercise, and reading positive materials about body love and self esteem at any size, the pay off is HUGE. i feel good, i am happy and active, and i know my kids see and sense that about me.

the other day i was walking from the bathroom to my bedroom after a shower. all i had was a towel draped over the front of my body. my son saw me, half-nude, and said, "hee hee, mommy, you're soooo fat!" and i just smiled and rubbed my belly and said, "i know! it's nice, isn't it?" and he said, "oh yeah! you're the best to hug and snuggle with."

it's as easy as that.

aarealeski, your daughter´s comment about you being ¨fluffier¨ reminds me of how I felt about my parents´ body types when I was little. My dad is a natural string-bean who loves to exercize and eats to keep weight on. My mom, on the other hand, is naturally more plump. Given the choice of whose lap I´d rather sit on, whose shoulder I´d rather lean against when I was bored in church, whose hug was more fun--it was my mom. When my aunt would complain about her weight, I´d hug her and say, ¨But it makes you so much softer to hug!¨

Yep, I know where my self-image issues come from--my mom, my aunt, and my grandma.

Anywho... good for you on trying to do right with your daughter.

She is home schooled, so she's not getting comments from that angle. She is, however, in ballet and belly dance, and could very well be picking up on comments from other students. She is the heaviest in her ballet class and she commented on that once to me. I would have thought that belly dance would be easier on the "body image" issue, but perhaps I'm wrong there. I have tried to explain that her body is growing in different stages and that things will even out with time - perhaps I haven't explained it well enough. I really liked your explaination, Ms RuthieB. My daughter loves roses and that's a wonderful comparison. I do think it's a shame that our children begin at such young ages to worry about weight issues. I am sure the media (magazines & tv) have much to do with this. After all, have you ever seen a successful child star who is over weight? I am at least thankful that her ballet school in general doesn't rate people based upon their size. The owners' daughter is pudgy and it's obvious that it matters not to them.

Do you think it would help if I make her a costume that's more figure flattering for her performance? I want to make her feel good about herself, but I also need to certain that she doesn't mistake my kindness for confirming a negative body size. Boy...this is one area that one needs to tread on very lightly.

I've got a couple things to say here ... I'm a plus-sized woman, have taken belly dance classes and it was very size-positive (which is what I hear from most women).

However, I'd be concerned about ballet. The pressure to be very thin is really strong there, and I've seen several girls who've taken those classes come out of them with eating disorders (I think the environment encourages it, but doesn't necessarily cause them). Of course, you said they're fairly size-positive... but I'd still be a bit concerned.

That being said, I STRONGLY feel that if she'd uncomfortable about her body, that you take extra care with the costume. If she doesn't want her tummy showing, please don't make it. I cannot count the number of times that my mother thought she was being helpful because she insisted I wear something that she thought something looked flattering on me, while I was sure that I looked like a blimp. How they feel shows through, especially in something like this.

I'd also check closely to make sure that you're not making any negative comments about your body or accidentally doing it about hers. Sometimes, you don't realize what you've said until you've said it (the subtle stuff sometimes hurts worse, and most people don't even realize that they're doing it).

Maybe you could suggest using a temporary tanning spray, bronzing lotion, or sparkly lotion that will make her want to show off her tummy, rather than hide it. Since she's feeling better about it, maybe that would give her an extra boost to show off her moves :)