Well, this was going to go somewhere, looks like you guys drew the short straw.

An friend of mine was buried today. Which, frankly, sucks. He was 25, more or less exact same age as me, died because of a blood clot that lodged in his brain. He'd had an ankle in plaster, so it looks like there was a thrombisis or somthing like that. There was an autopsy, but I'm not interested in the details, beyond no foul play.

That's bad, and all, but what's starting to get to me is that I didn't go to the funeral. The reason I know - dammit, knew the guy is because his parents went to university with my parents. It would have been tricky to arrange for use all to go (brothers still at school, and had his parentes evening today). Proably have had to drag him along with us, if we all went. I'd figured that the funeral is for the living, not the dead, and on that basis my folks aught to go, given that it's his parents (and sister, but I never knew her really (age difference)). that'll be the most upset over it all. My brothers got exams in a couple of weeks, and dragging him away for day, particulalry to take him to a funeral for someone he never knew, seemed to be somewhat unfair on him.

So I'm out at my first aid course, and someone mentions thrombsis and I could feel it all welling up inside me. Which, for me, is unusual, to say the least. Hell, when a guy died in hall, from a brain haemorrage I was one of those that was stable, whom others looked to for being dependable.

Get back home, folks talk about the funeral, and turns out that everyone else that was in a similar situation to me was there. which is meaking me thing I did the wrong thing, and not just slightly wrong either. So now, it's 5am, I'm just sitting here wondering. wondering why it's affeting me so, and wht I aught to have done, just going round in cirlces really.

Hmm. Now I sound like a callous, whineyy, slef obsessed git. someone slap me and point me in a direction, I'm lost

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

syntax. Just grieve... you did what you thought was the most sensible option, and I for one applaud you for thinking of your little brother as well. Perhaps if you send a card to the family, you know "I'm sorry I couldn't be there but was thinking of you" or something like that? Sometimes these things affect us much more than we think they will... that's happened to me before.

You can't change the past. You have enough emotions to worry about without feeling guilty at the moment...

*hug*

I'm so sorry about this. Sometimes we react in unpredictable ways when we're grieving. You did what made sense for you. Try not to second-guess yourself now.

I agree with the suggestion about sending a note to the family. It doesn't have to be long; just a few sentences is enough. I can tell you from experience that it will mean so much to them.

Also, be sure you have supportive people to talk to. And then talk to them about how you're feeling. It helps. :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It's difficult to lose someone you care about. Hope you're doing ok :hug:

You have the funeral in your heart forever. That's enough under the circumstances. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Please don't let yourself feel bad about not going. You don't have to attend a funeral to pay respect to your friend. He's in your heart and that is what matters most. I'm sure he knows you care.
As for sending a card to the family, I think that was a nice suggestion.

Please don't let yourself feel bad about not going. You don't have to attend a funeral to pay respect to your friend. He's in your heart and that is what matters most. I'm sure he knows you care.
As for sending a card to the family, I think that was a nice suggestion.

I echo what Erin said, Syntax, and want you to know that I'm truly sorry for your loss. :hug:

Thanks folks, just hit a bit of a low ebb, and ended up venting a bit. The card's a good plan, I think.

Sometimes it feels like there are no right solutions - you just have to make a decision, and stick to it, I suppose.

I know what it's like to have a friend died. A friend of mine died in a car accident about a year ago. She was 18 and only 2 weeks away from starting university :(

I went to the wake and the funeral, but I can easily understand not going, Especially under circumstances where it would be tremendously inconvenient. Funerals can sometimes be happier, when it's somebody whose lived a long, full life and they die peacefully rather than painfully. But when it's someone young who had their whole life to live, it's a far more somber affair.

Funerals are supposed to provide some closure and a chance to say goodbye for those they left behind, but I don't think they're necessarily obligatory. I hope nobody else judges you for not going, but it's probably worse to judge yourself, which you seem to be doing. I hope things work out for you. :hug:

I second what everyone else says. if you send a card, the family will not think that you don't care and didn't bother coming. there are a lot of reasons that one would not attend such a thing, including caring TOO MUCH. so there is no judgement during a situation like this.

I'd write a card, and I'd make it a point to share one happy memory you shared with the deceased. I think it adds some happiness in the darkness of grief, for the loved ones to understand what was special to you about him. For them to learn different sides of their son and how others were impacted positively by his short time on earth.

If you can, keep a positive outlook about this. In my belief system, its important to try and send that person on their way. To wish them well, drink a glass of wine, and thank them for the memories. Not to cling, cry, and beg them to stay. I dunno where you are along this spectrum. Its easier said than done, but I think it benefits both the living and the dead to have this kind of wish in your heart of letting go.

Hope thats not too much of my own opinion in here. I'm not an expert, but I'm just sharing whats worked for me. and i wish the you the best during this difficult time.

XOXO
Beth

Stuey,
Ouch! I think all of us have some regrets about things we did and didn´t do regarding important people who´ve died. I wish I´d written my friend Eva a letter when I first found out she had leukemia. She lived three hours away from me, or I would have visited her. I didn´t write her that letter, and when she died a few months later, I´ve regretted it ever since. That was 7 years ago, and I still wish I had.

But, what´s done is done. We can´t change the past, but we can improve the future.

Hugs!