My 18 year old son has been dating a girl since the beginning of the summer.
I don't know her well, but she seems nice, but her father has violent past.

While chatting casually with my son and his gf one day, my son mentioned in kind of joking way that he was afraid of her father. She kidded back, "Oh he won't hurt YOU because I love you."

I questioned them about it. Turns out he has hurt past bfs!! (punched them in the face)

I wasn't sure what to do with that information. I just told my son to be careful.

Recently my son's gf moved into her own apartment. She has a job and pays for everything (as far as I know). Both of my sons spend a lot of time in her apartment with mutual friends.

Today after school, they went there and who should drive up but her father.
He walked into the apartment without warning and told everyone there to leave because he wanted to speak to his daughter. My 15 year old was in the kitchen with another 15 year old boy talking and he said to them, "If you don't stop smiling, I may have to knock them smiles off your faces." (My 15 year old is a shy, straight A student, if he was smiling, it was most likely because he found the situation awkward).

My oldest son did not want to be seen (out of fear) and ducked into a back room. He heard the father yelling at the gf for 15 minutes and then he left.

My son is not in love with this girl, but he cares about her a lot. He doesn't want to "desert" her. But, that is exactly what I want him to do. I am afraid for him and for our entire family. To put it bluntly, the father is a scumbag.

My son has been quite honest with me about most things. He volunteered the fact that he was having sex and we talked about condoms etc. (And I bought him some) However, as it is I really don't want him having sex with this girl at all.

I can't imagine sharing a grandchild with this man. We talked about the possible repercussions and my son said that he will stop having sex with her (I believe he intends to honor this...but.)

Also, the threat to smack my younger son's smile off of his face...do I let that drop. Do I contact the police? I am not sure what to do.

I certainly don't want this to escalate.

Wow Mushroom - I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Certainly the best thing would be for everyone in your family involved to back away (far away) from this situation. If your kids agree readily - that's great.

You'd probably have the let the smacking threat drop. I'm not sure the police would be able to do anything about that (I could very well be wrong though). The boys not being put in that situation again would be the best course of action.

Sounds like the dad is a big bully.

Do your best to get him away from her completely. We had a father like that in our town. When his daughter married a boy without the father's approval, he shot the boy 6 times. The man went to prison for life, but the boy is still dead.

That is more than a little harsh on the girl. I'm sure none of us would like it if the mother of our boyfriend was trying to split you up because she did not like your father. If anything, my heart goes out to this girl. The scene with the father sounded humiliating for her... when I was young my father was an alcoholic, and although he did not hit people he did stage scenes like the one you described. They made me feel like crawling under my bed dying of humiliation when they occured in front of my friends, I can only imagine how I'd feel if they occured in front of the man I loved.

Is it possible to have a heart to heart with this girl? She has already said the her father will not hit your son.. maybe she can come to a solution to this problem with you. Whatever, it's really not fair on her at all to split her from the man she has said she loves because his mother doesn't like her dad. And trying to split them up for your own reasons will likely lead to resentment on your son's part anyway. He's 18. He's an adult. It's his choice who he dates. The best you can do is talk to them both and let them make thier own choices in this matter without unduly interferring.

Lastly I just wanted to say that the repercussions of teenage pregnancy are far greater than the grandmother being related to someone she doesn't particularly like.

It seems to me that the gf should have called the cops if her father was acting this way. Father or not, he doesn't have a right to barge into her home. She should have stood up for the people there, if you ask me. Does she have a backbone, her own mind at all?

As for your son, if this girl isn't strong enough to stand on her own two feet and control who enters her home and whether they boss her guests around, I think he should leave her. If she didn't take control of the situation that you wrote about, who knows what will happen next? He can't be safe if the gf lets her father do or say whatever he wants without intervening (and/or calling the police).

Wow, this is sticky I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

My father is just like hers, I feel awful for her. I know what it's like to see through the eyes of an abused child. No matter how much you want to stand up to them, even in your own home... You can't. The abuser usually has complete and total power over the abused. It's hard to shake the shame of abuse, I was an A-B student, involved in extra curricular activities but it was public knowlege that my dad was an alcholic, a druggie and abusive. I was treated like scum because of who my father was. No matter how nice I was, other kids parents would let thier kids hang out with me.

Is it possible to suggest to your sons to have her over to your house? That way you would have complete control of the situation. If "daddy" decides to barge in, you have the right to call the police because he is on your property. OR Maybe they should hang out in a more public venue? (Movie, restaurant another friends house?)

I think nature will take it's course with this one, it was mentioned in your first post that he cares for her, but not head over heals in love with her. It will probably fizzle out eventually. For the time being, he should continue being her friend. Also, help him understand that he can't change her situation, she needs to change it herself.

I have reccommended this book before in other posts, maybe he should get her a copy. "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

BTW, you are a very cool parent for being open about sexuality with your son. :up:

Kiz wrote: "Lastly I just wanted to say that the repercussions of teenage pregnancy are far greater than the grandmother being related to someone she doesn't particularly like."

It isn't a matter of not liking him; it is a matter of being afraid of him and what he could do to my son and the hypothetical baby. Our entire family could easily be very affected. So, yeah, I do think having a psycho for a grandpa would make a teen pregnancy much much worse.

I think if I told my son to break up with this girl, he would. Yet, I am not sure that I should. He told me flat out last night that he is not in love with this girl, yet he does not want to hurt her. "She isn't emotionally stable right now. I'm pretty much all she has..."

I don't blame the girl for having an awful father, but I certainly don't want to sacrifice my son. How would that help anyone?! I can tell on some level, the girl is enjoying certain aspects of the situation. I think she feels more important to her dad because he cares enough to beat people up in her honor. When she and my son were joking about her dad's bad temper, she was cutesy about it.

I didn't say anything because what popped into my head was, "Are you kidding?!
This is my baby you are talking about! This isn't cute. Do you know what I would do to your father if he hurt my son?!"

For now, my sons have agreed not to enter her apt and my oldest has agreed no more sex. He said, "That's not a problem." He is going to tell her that he is afraid of getting her pregnant, which is the truth. We had a long talk last night and I think he understands the seriousness of the situation now.

I think meeting in public places only is a good idea. Not sure about our home, though. I imagine the father would eventually make an appearance here and I don't want that!

Anyone think that I should try to talk to the father?

Thanks again everyone for all of the replies. They were very helpful!

Mushroom: You may have already told him this, but just in case:

Staying with her because she's "not emotionally stable" is a *terrible* reason to stay with anybody. I know because I did exactly the same thing with a former BF. He made me miserable and I just cracked after a year and a half because he was dragging me down so badly. After talking to my own mom many times, I decided that he wasn't taking me down with him. Your situation may be far more volaitile because of her father. Nothing like that was involved in my situation.

If she's not stable, it's just as likely that he'll become her crutch. If that's his only reason for staying, and if she's causing problems for him, especially since he doesn't love her, he should leave.

That's my opinion anyway. I truly hope it works out for the best.

I am not aware of any problems that she is causing my son, I just think he means that she is upset by her family situation - and that is what he means by "emotionally unstable"

He probably meant emotionally vulnerable, which is quite understandable.

I have to say I agree with many of you by saying that I feel sorry for the girl. Sounds pretty lame that she has full on admitted she loves your son, your son says he's sleeping with her, AND admits that he doesn't love her. unless that is all honest and out in the open with the girl....well, then that is very hurtful. I feel hurt for her. she's got a lame dad AND the guy she loves doesn't love her back but is still sleeping with her. again, perhaps that is out in the open. if it is, that means she's even more confused.

seems to me that part of the conversation with your son also should involve being sure that the gf is aware of the entire situation. he seems to have his heart in the right place (i.e. protecting her, worrying about her stability), however he should also worry about the complex emotional web he's weaving with her. being her protector, being intimate with her, but not being in love, etc. I'm not a psychologist, but don't they say that a woman's relationship with her father impacts all her relationships with other men? sounds like she's probably setting up a bad pattern here.

good luck!
XOXO
Beth

He's 18. Whom he choices to dating is his business, not yours. You can choose to have your younger son not around the situation, but if your older son chooses it, that's his choice.

Mommy making his decisions for him won't help him grow up any faster.

I indeed feel for the girl. That said, there is nothing you or your son can do to help this girl's relationship with her father. She has been trained to let him act in inappropriate ways in her life and home and has not yet found the ability or the sense of entitlement to live free from this inappropriate behavior. It will not be easy for her to eventually set boundaries for her father, but that is what she will have to do before she can have a healthy relationship with anyone. I certainly hope she eventually gets the strength she needs.

Your son sounds as if he is a caring man and that is why he wants to help. Unfortunately, as we get older we see that there are times when we can help and times when we can't. Perhaps point out to him that he can support her, but that there are risks involved and if she does not seem to want to try to protect him from these risks, he might want to think about that. (I think not seeing her in her apartment good idea) And certainly feeling sorry for a person is no reason to be friends or lovers. He can still help people in need in other more productive ways, like volunteering for a hotline or something.

What kind of help and support does the girlfriend want, towards what goal, and what can your son give?

If you think your son would break up with her at your advice, I say make your very best case once if he's willing to listen, and then say nothing more about it. And of course the younger son shouldn't go over there anymore. I think talking to the father would make things worse.