I don't know if I should post this sort of extremely personal thing, but...I guess I will anyway...
I don't know where to begin.
My Dad is an alcoholic, who drinks every other day. When he is on an "off" day, he is horrible to be around. I have two Dads- nice, drunk Dad and mean, sober Dad. His Mom has Alztimers (yeah I can't spell) and he is depressed about that I know....
My Mom is feeble, skinny, unhealthy. It is always something with her- she's always sick, depressed, pathetic. She works cleaning houses and makes ok money, but my Dad gets mad at her because she goes small stretches without working and doesn't make herself work very long hours...this doesn't really make a lot of sense, because my Dad skips work whenver he's too hungover to go.
There is financial trouble, I can tell. We really don't have a lot of money for anything, and there ARE always bill collectors calling....
The worst part is, no one wants to change anything, they just sit on their hands and stay miserable. They say that other people have it a lot worse than I do, which is very true and it makes me feel bad for feeling this way. Still, I don't agree with the logic that just because other people are in worse situations, that is a good reason to not change our problems. I don't understand this at all, why no one wants to be happy, and all the helplessness just makes my house the most desolate place I've ever been in. I try to convince my Mom to do something about all of this, but I don't know if she has the strength. I don't feel like I have the strength anymore. I used to have OCD and depression and very severe anxiety, and the slightest bits of this are creeping back into my life. I don't want this but I feel so helpless.
The point of all this is, what do I do? I am a senior in HS and I don't have car or anything...most of my money goes to groceries so I can be vegan. I am just getting to the point where I can't deal with this anymore. I hate being home, I want to leave, if I had anywhere to go I would move in somewhere else, even though I would feel like sh*t running away from the situation. I've been binging like crazy to deal with all my sadness, and I hate that. I am FINE at school, fine at work, happy everywhere else, but the second I enter this house, there are black clouds in my brain. I lose my motivation...and I do try! I swear I try everyday to overcome these sad feelings, but as soon as I come home, there they are, there this crappy situation is.
I am sincerely sorry to unload all of this here, but I need to talk about it somewhere.
lovenlight,
linz

My Mom is feeble, skinny, unhealthy. It is always something with her- she's always sick, depressed, feeble.

Is she vegan too? Sorry couldn't help it. :) Sorry to hear your situation is so bad. :(

Lol, nah, she's just a real unhealthy omnivore. :)
Thanks, Michael.

Ok, I'm sure I'm not the first person to tell you this and I'm sure you've already considered it b/c you have proven yourself to be an intelligent, mature woman, but...have you tried alanon or alateen? I think it would do you a world of good to find others who are going through the same hardships you are.

You're a senior in high school--I say become the biggest pest your guidance counselor has ever seen. Apply for any and every scholarship and grant you can find and take off for school. I'm not saying to completely disregard your family, but right now they're dragging you down and 'twould be a shame for you to end up in the same boat. The best thing you can do to help your family right now is to become the best and strongest person you can be.

Hang in there.

Is she vegan too? Well, obviously she is, if sick and skinny ;) :sign: Sorry, Michael is a bad influence.

How long until you graduate from high school? Are you going anywhere after school? If not, fin a way to go somewhere.

I'll be honest. My household was hell growing up, especially Gr11 and Gr12. I counted the days until I moved out. I fantasied about catching the house on fire and watching everyone burn to death. Unfortunately, my siblings had tried that before I was born, so no one was allowed to have matches.

Concentrate on getting out. Concentrate on going somewhere that your parents cannot easily visit. I believe in moving far enough that a 1 hour plane ride is required. Get a student loan (not sure how it works in the US, but can get those here).

There comes a point when it's THEIR problem, not yours. You need to finish growing up. You can't do that living there. Finish school and move.

Listen to Krista, she's so right.
Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself, and just remember somethings got to give, it won't be like this forever..

I second what muppet said.

You can't help your parents; they need to help themselves. Concentrate on finishing high school, and then get away,

I have been in your situation. I am now 28, fairly normal,married with a great job. I grew up with an alcholic dad, codependant overeater for a mom and a lesbian sister. I felt like Marilyn Munster. I concentrated on getting good grades on got the HELL out just shy of being 19.

ALATeen is a great thing! It helped me understand that I can't change my father. He had the power to change himself. Keep yourself busy with as many extracurricular activities as possible. Keep your grades up, make goals for yourself. I echo Muppet and Krista.

Since graduating from school, I have made the decison not to speak with my dad. My life has improved drastically since severing ties with him. I had to make the choice to be abused and have a relationship or not be abused and cut him out of my life.

I also reccomend the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. I found it to be a great help for me.

:hugs: I wish you the best!

Since graduating from school, I have made the decison not to speak with my dad. My life has improved drastically since severing ties with him. I had to make the choice to be abused and have a relationship or not be abused and cut him out of my life.



Just as a side note, moving out resolved many of the issues between myself and my parents. We now have a great relationship. I no longer wish to burn down the house. Of course, I live on the other side of Canada, which helps :) (BTW, for those who thought the comment about my siblings was an ill-taste joke, it wasn't a joke).

Don't worry too much about the future of the relationship, etc. Concentrate on your action plan to get outta there. When I finished school in June, I remember counting the days until I moved in September.

You'll make it!

I feel you....boy do I feel you. I was on my way to post my own problemo's but i'll put that off for a while and give you a hug. :hug:

Definitely try to get out of the house as soon as possible. Apply for different schools, different scholarships, anything. Sometimes we just have to stand back and acknowledge that out parents are insane, troubled and/or odd. I understand the black cloud effect and the only thing that gets me through it is music. Would that help you? Or maybe something more artsy like painting?

I agree with others; it would be a good thing to move out on your own as soon as that's possible. Do you work now at a part time job? Could you get one if you don't? Starting to save now for the move (sock as much as you can away in a bank account out of your reach) - just seeing your savings grow will empower you (does me anyway).

Leave guilt behind - you don't need that. Your parents have problems - you can't fix them (you really can't). I dealt with something similar years ago (back in the stone age when I was young....sigh). I loved my parents very much - I still do.....but living with them (or in the same state as them) really took a tole on me. It took some doing to get away (money, guilt feelings, etc.), but I'm so glad I did!!! Now visiting, emails, phone calls keep us connected in a positive way.

Someone suggested Alanon. I've never been, but a friend of mine has been participating in this program since she was a teenager. She can't say enough good things about it.

In the mean time - think positive and know it's not going to be forever. Soon you'll really be in charge of your own destiny.

I wish you best of luck whatever happens. I grew up in a chaotic household, and as soon as I left, I was surprised how much more relaxed I could be. But the anxiety doesn't completely leave on it's own. I am still a high strung person, and I still worry about my parents' problems when I know about them. That is something that will take time for me.

Keep faith that you will be able to get out there and live on your own. When I first moved out I had a room in a house full of college students where the rent was cheaper than having my own place. Plus I had company and more fun that way. Things will get better, just don't forget that.

I don't really have anything good to add that hasn't been said already, so I'll just give you a hug. :hug:

Hang in there, RBM- I hope things get better for you soon! If not, run on over to Wisconsin and I'll take you in! :)

Wow, thanks you guys. You are all the epitome of wonderful!!!
I graduate HS in June of this year...and I intend to go to college, but so far I've only applied in state. The good news is, Michigan is a very big state! The bad news is, I do love my parents. I want to help them and be here and love them, but this house is so depressing I feel like I can't function well here. I don't have a car either...obviously, annoying as it is, money is power, and I better damn well save some if I want this to work out. That is a problem, but with a really good summer job I can make some quick cash before I go to college and buy some junker, lol.
I do have a part time job, at a health club. As soon as the semster- and AP Biology- is over, I intend to get another job for Saturday nights to make some more money....
In the meantime, I am going to try to keep busy, and make my room a nice place to hang out. I can also write, play my guitar, and try to do some creative things to let go of "negative energy".
I do feel a bit bad about leaving my sister behind in this. She is only 8, and I know this situation will effect her as it did me. I think in the meantime I can try to involve her in my activities, or at least some of them, and try to help her out, but when I leave, I feel she'll be all on her own.
About alanon and alateen (did I get those right?)...there just isn't one in my area, and with going to therapy and OA, my parents are going to really get on my case for going to all this self help stuff, especially my Dad, who I think truly believes all my problems are all "bull****". I might attempt to look into again, however, and if I am ever in a bigger area in the future, I will make a point of going.
I really appreciate all of your replies and I hope that mine was adequate. You guys are so wonderful and so supportive, you should just be so proud of yourself for your kindness. I know a lot of people who really don't care about anyone but themselves, and you are all NOT like that at all. :smitten: I am truly touched by your empathy!
lovenlight,
linz

I know a lot of people who really don't care about anyone but themselves, and you are all NOT like that at all.

Hey, I enjoy only caring about myself, missy!

Don't worry about your sister; in a couple years, she'll be old enough to visit you via train for weekends.

Definately look into it while in university. You will need it! You have a lot of growing up AND healing to do. My BF's dad was an alcoholic; those groups did help him a lot.

I was afraid that people would be sad without me, or whatever, but instead, I think it inspires people to see another family member making a positive change. I started taking classes, my mom started taking them. Stuff like that. I hope this happens for you as well.

I second what muppet said.

You can't help your parents; they need to help themselves. Concentrate on finishing high school, and then get away,
What she said!

I won't post my life story here, but I do empathize with you... I suggest getting the hell out as soon as you graduate -- until then, take care of yourself. Your parents are adults; you don't need to be worrying about their problems. You are the child, so let them be the parents. You do what you need to do and work your hiney off to go off to school. Hang in there! :)

:hug:

You remind me so much of myself, it's actually freaking me out.

IThe worst part is, no one wants to change anything, they just sit on their hands and stay miserable. They say that other people have it a lot worse than I do, which is very true and it makes me feel bad for feeling this way. Still, I don't agree with the logic that just because other people are in worse situations, that is a good reason to not change our problems.

This is exactly how my family is. My mother is an alcoholic and no one ever does anything about it. She's depressed because she hasn't had a job for twenty years and she never gets out of the house. But she'd rather sit around and drink all day than just go out and get a job...she has a decent education and she's really intelligent. It's not like she's incapable. I don't understand people wallowing in their own sadness either. Just don't let them drag you down with them.

I used to have OCD and depression and very severe anxiety, and the slightest bits of this are creeping back into my life. I don't want this but I feel so helpless.

I have the same problem. My doctor says I have generalized anxiety disorder with associated panic disorder and mild depression...though I'm think I'm going to protest that "mild" part. Over the summer I spent two weeks on the couch watching Mad About You reruns and Queer as Folk, and I barely ate anything in all that time. For the next three months or so I was pretty much in a constant state of panic. My therapist believes that all of this comes from my mother's drinking. It's just staggering what an alcoholic parent can do to their child. It's amazing how much it affects us. None of that anxiety felt like it had anything to do with my mother, but once my therapist delved into my psyche I started to make connections. It's just a mess. I'm a mess. I'll get over it, though. You just have to realise that you can't allow your father's actions to affect you so much. That sounds sort of bleak, I know...because I'd love to change my mother, and possibly you wish you could change your father. But we don't have the power to do that, so we have to settle for dealing with our own baggage. I highly suggest therapy, if you're not in it already. Insurance usually pays for it.


I hate being home, I want to leave, if I had anywhere to go I would move in somewhere else, even though I would feel like sh*t running away from the situation. I've been binging like crazy to deal with all my sadness, and I hate that. I am FINE at school, fine at work, happy everywhere else, but the second I enter this house, there are black clouds in my brain. I lose my motivation...and I do try! I swear I try everyday to overcome these sad feelings, but as soon as I come home, there they are, there this crappy situation is.

Same here. Every time I come home when my mother is drinking, it's just this indescribable feeling of hopelessness. It got a lot better when I got a car, because I can escape...but I definitely remember what it was like to not have one, so I feel for you.

Anyway, I don't know if it makes you feel any better to know that there are other people in the same situation...but that was my intent. Personally, what really helped me was making friends with someone who has an alcoholic parent. If you ever want to talk about anything, you can email me or send me a private message. Hang in there!

As far as your sister is concerned, the very best thing you can do for her is to be a positive role model. Show her that it's possible to escape to a bright future. When you go away to school, you can be in daily contact with her via e-mail. A big sister can be the most important person in a young girl's life.

linz:

one thing that struck me in your last post was how you said that you didn't want to go far away because you love your parents. i'll bet that, at some level, everyone who has been in a similar situation to you loved their parents too, but they had to decide between their parents survival or their own. Ultimately, if you want to succeed, you need to take care of yourself and allow your parents to take care of themselves.

Going to councelling, OA, and Alateen are great ideas--even if your mom or dad think it's hooey. I mean, my dad wasnt' keen on councelling either--and thinks it's hocus pocus (and some of it is)--but i have found that it works and therefore i recommend it to people. But, then, the truth of that is that it only works if you work it, it's not magical or anything. :) So, even if your dad doesn't like it--do it anyway because you're doing what is best for you.

As for where you go to school, just go where you would like to go. Remember that you can live there the whole time--and only come home on a few weekends a year. THis helps out a lot--and even helps your sister. You don't need a car in university either--most are very easy to get around. And, you can take the bus home when you want to. So, essentially, don't worry about the money.

linz:

one thing that struck me in your last post was how you said that you didn't want to go far away because you love your parents. i'll bet that, at some level, everyone who has been in a similar situation to you loved their parents too, but they had to decide between their parents survival or their own. Ultimately, if you want to succeed, you need to take care of yourself and allow your parents to take care of themselves.


I totally agree. Your parents are adults and need to take care of themselves. If you do want to help them, the best thing you can do right now is to be a positive, successful, healthy person. Until that happens, you won't be much help to them. Also, please realize that some people don't want help no matter how much you want to help them. If your parents are not willing to change for the better, you have to accept that.

I also agree with what Mouse said about your sister--the best thing you can do for her is show her there is a way out.

**hugs**

Everyone has given great advice. When you look into colleges, look to see what support groups and mental health services they provide to students. Many colleges have great counseling services that are included with your tuition.

The best way you can help your sister is to show her what a strong woman you can be. She needs you as a role model in her life! Also, by the time you finish college, she will be 12 or 13. Just think how much more you can help her then when you are financially and emotionally independent!

You are already being so brave and strong! Hang in there...best to you!

:hug:

I second what everybody else has already said.

It's not easy. I don't have the same problems you do, but I can relate to not wanting to leave home because you love your family. My advice though is to take the opportunity. It's definitely not easy, but in your situation, you'll be more than doing yourself a favor. Moving away from home (and getting married) has been one of the biggest character and strength building things I have ever done in my life. Also, like pickleandtatortot said, once you finish school you'll be able to help your little sister out a lot more.

I will definatley take all of your advice.
I am doing better- realizing that I have to just take responsibility for myself and that I just have to what is best for me. This thread and your replies REAAALLLLY helped me out, so, so much. I guess in a lot of ways I was just feeling very responsible for everyone in my family, and I just can't do that. Besides that, I guess...my Dad being mean to me or whatever, its not personal, its just because he has so many problems. I just have to get on with my life...and I can keep on loving these people, but maybe I can't be the one to solve all of these problems for them...
I am willing to go to therapy and work on myself....I learned in my first session of therapy that it does take personal commitment and work.
Thanks so much you guys! I feel a lot better now.
lovenlight,
linz