Friend and boyfriend issue

[Alison182]

Ok..basically the story is... I'm a shy girl, more shy than most, I find it hard to make friends and difficult to be outgoing to new people. I am possibly insecure about myself...I am told that i always underestimate myself.
On the other hand one of my best friends(or now 'used be best friend') is pretty much the opposite. She's outgoing and extremely flirty. Even though she has a boyfriend(who loves her to bits), she will still flirt her ass off wth every other guy around...and that includes my boyfriend.
Me and him started going out a year ago. I know he loves me and I love him too. He's the nicest guy I've known, and he wouldnt do a thing to hurt me (knowingly).
As soon as i started going out with him, this overfriendly flirtiness started happening. then started coming comments like "Oh my god [my boyfriends name], I love you, you're the coolest guy EVER!!" and to be "Let's swap boyfriends for the night!"
By the time she had known him a few weeks she'd be tickling him and holding his hand at random times. She's text him. I'd never text her boyfriend even though we're good friends...it just wouldnt feel right!
I often feel left out when it's the three of us together, as if he talks directly to her when talking, rather than at the two of us. She also tries to start off these subtle mockings of me so that it's the two of them making fun of me and me just sitting there.

Now...I havent seen her in ages, I've made excuses so as i'm not about the two of them at the same time..but, me and my friend have drifted apart a lot. Besides all this, she used me a really good friend and we'd do a lot together.

I also am scared to say anything to her...after all, she is a flirty person and thats just how she is, but i cant help but feel that she crosses the line everytime and that she just doesnt show enough respect.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about it.. He said he doesnt even notice she is like this (somehow). He also apoloised profusely when i tolf him they were often patronising when together and that it shouldnt be ME feeling like a third wheel.

I have been a lot more frustrated about it in the past...but now that she is starting in the same college as us, i am scared that it'll start up again and I will go home everyday feeling annoyed, worried and angry.

[Earthling]

:hug: That's a sucky situation. Sounds like your friend might have some jealousy issues.

Is her boyfriend going to college with you? If so, try and arrange everything so it's the four of you instead of you, your boyfriend and her. She can't really touch your boyfriend's hand and tickle her if her own guy is there right?

If not, I think you need to bite the bullet and set boundaries. It's hard, but rehearse something short to say and practice saying it so it's easier to come out with. Something like "I know you don't mean any harm, but it makes me uncomfortable when you're too flirty and tactile with [boyfriend's name], and could you show a bit more tact when you're with us?". Tell your boyfriend you're going to bring it up next time she does something out of line so it doesn't make things uncomfortable for him too. But tell him to keep as quiet as possible so she doesn't feel ganged up on.

That's what I'd do I think :)

[Treehugger267]

That stinks. It's good you talked to your boyfriend about it so he knows how you're feeling. Hopefully, that alone will put a stop to half of it. If it were my friend doing these things, i'd probably put some distance between us. You shouldn't have to feel like that. ((hugs))

[Alison182]

:hug: That's a sucky situation. Sounds like your friend might have some jealousy issues.

Is her boyfriend going to college with you? If so, try and arrange everything so it's the four of you instead of you, your boyfriend and her. She can't really touch your boyfriend's hand and tickle her if her own guy is there right?

If not, I think you need to bite the bullet and set boundaries. It's hard, but rehearse something short to say and practice saying it so it's easier to come out with. Something like "I know you don't mean any harm, but it makes me uncomfortable when you're too flirty and tactile with [boyfriend's name], and could you show a bit more tact when you're with us?". Tell your boyfriend you're going to bring it up next time she does something out of line so it doesn't make things uncomfortable for him too. But tell him to keep as quiet as possible so she doesn't feel ganged up on.

That's what I'd do I think :)

Her boyfriend is a year behind her, so is in the last year of school. But it wouldnt really make a difference, she's just the same when she's with him. In fact, almost worse, as she tries making him jealous.

I do feel she probably has some issues with being jealous.

I do think, that if she goes too far again, i will have to say something, because i really cant go on feeling so confused as to what to do. I'm just scared that if she answers back, i'll back down and let her walk all over me.

[Earthling]

Hmm. Do you think you could get your boyfriend to say something? I know it's hard, I'm quite shy like you and I really don't like confrontation especially with friends. If your boyfriend is more confident he might be a better person to do it.

[amaroque]

Hmm. Do you think you could get your boyfriend to say something? I know it's hard, I'm quite shy like you and I really don't like confrontation especially with friends. If your boyfriend is more confident he might be a better person to do it.

That echoes my thoughts. If he could politely but firmly say, "Thank you for the attention your giving me. I'm flattered. But it's making me a bit uncomfortable. I care about [girlfriend] very much and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. I hope you can understand."

[Alison182]

I've asked him that if she ever goes too far(as she always does) to say something to her. But the thing is, he never notices when she's like this apparently, and isn't one to get into situations like that.
He has a lot of opportunities i imagine, since he moved out last week with some other friends who she is good friends with...therefore she's always at his apartment. All the more heartache for me. *sigh*

[amaroque]

Maybe you could come up with a little non-verbal clue when you want him to intercede. Like tugging on your ear or rubbing your nose. Or just ask him to have the talk next time he sees her regardless of whether or not shes actively doing it.

[Alison182]

Maybe you could come up with a little non-verbal clue when you want him to intercede. Like tugging on your ear or rubbing your nose. Or just ask him to have the talk next time he sees her regardless of whether or not shes actively doing it.

Yeah, i might ask him to say something to her, because chances are she's probably flirting with him anyway.

Like at the moment, I'm pretty cool with everything. But, i guess I'll see next week when go back to college.

[Fever Dream]

I had a flirty friend.. it was bad news but luckily other things ended our friendship too. It was an attention thing for her and she had other issues that just fueled her need to get boosts from guys (including my boyfriend at the time, and my brother..!) stay away! And if your bf is around her with his friend hopefully he'll make it a guys only thing or whatever, he won't want to be around them without you, right?

[Irizary]

Re. the suggestion that your boyfriend say something - he's not the one with the problem, you are. So you're the one who ought to say something.

I'd put her on notice, anyway, that you don't appreciate the flirting with your boyfriend.

[penny79]

I'd hesitate to call her your friend if you feel like you can't talk to her about this.....maybe you can just break off all contact or tell her you don't feel the friendship is working.

[animallover7249]

How does your boyfriend react when she does stuff like hold his hand or tickle him?

[xKristenx]

To be honest....

In my opinion I would not consider someone who did that a friend IF they knew it hurt my feelings. In the past I have however known people who have done this and been genuinely upset when I called them up on it and told me that they didn't realize it upset me. I guess if that is the situation then you need to talk to her.

Perhaps tell your boyfriend that it's upsetting you and ask him to politely move away when she's grabbing him or just say to her 'wow this is inappropriate!' in a 'i'm joking but not really' manner! At the end of the day if he makes her feel awkward for doing it she will probably stop.

Good luck, I know it's a horrible situation

x

[Alison182]

Irizary - I know it's not his problem, I know i shouldnt make him do anything about it, but to be honest, if he's the one who sees her more oten these days and he's the one being flirted with, i think he possibly has some responsibility to stopping it.

How he reacts to her...well when she went through the tickling phase, this was before i told him this whole thing upset me, he'd tickle her back, if slightly awkwardly. He'd hold her hand back, but awkwardly.

[Alison182]

We have seen my friend a few times now in the last few days. And se honestly has calmed down a good bit with the flirting.
These days my boyfriend thinks quite a bit less of her, especially after how she has treated her own boyfriend recently (she basically cheated on him, broke up with him and slept with some of their mutual friends). So that means that they dont make me feel like a third wheel. So that's really a BIG step up.

But you know, I still feel untrusting of her...it's hard to just forget all the worrying and upset i went through because of her.
And today she announced that after christmas when one of my boyfriends room mates moves out she's going to take the room. So she'll be living with my boyfriend and the other two roomies. And even though things are a lot better, when I heard this, I just felt awful and all the worry came back to me.
It's not fair how the one person i want to spend least time with my boyfriend and who I trust the least around him, is going to be living with him!

[Nanii88]

You need to talk to your boyfriend how you feel about her moving in and stuff. AND you also need to talk to her how you feel when she does the flirting and stuff to your boyfriend and her moving in.. If you can't do it then you gonna be stressed out and worried, if something happens (never know), you gonna have this drama and you not gonna have time for it. So I suggest you express how you feel before things could happen..

[Treehugger267]

And today she announced that after christmas when one of my boyfriends room mates moves out she's going to take the room. So she'll be living with my boyfriend and the other two roomies. And even though things are a lot better, when I heard this, I just felt awful and all the worry came back to me.
It's not fair how the one person i want to spend least time with my boyfriend and who I trust the least around him, is going to be living with him!

Who has the last word on who is alowed to "take" the room? I wouldn't allow this to happen. Either she would NOT be moving in or perhaps you and your boy friend could move out. Bad situation. Living w/ daily worry and stress is just not worth it. ((hugs))

[Alicia Avocado]

So she'll be living with my boyfriend and the other two roomies.

HUGE red flag. If your boyfriend is a gentleman he will talk to the room mate about her not moving in. Obviously she doesn't value relationships, likes sex, and has no self restraint. You don't need the stress of that in the relationship.

[Alison182]

I know he doesnt want her to move in...and he said that he'll try convince the other two guys that it would be best if another guy moved in, rather than a girl.
Hoppefully that will work out. But I'm not gonna mention it for another few weeks, to see how things go.

[Alicia Avocado]

I know he doesnt want her to move in...and he said that he'll try convince the other two guys that it would be best if another guy moved in, rather than a girl.

Sounds like a nice catch you have there :)

[Earthling]

I know he doesnt want her to move in...and he said that he'll try convince the other two guys that it would be best if another guy moved in, rather than a girl.
Hoppefully that will work out. But I'm not gonna mention it for another few weeks, to see how things go.

:up:

[ripvanfish]

Frankly I'm a little bit suspicious of your boyfriend from what you've written here... Her behavior from your descriptions seems pretty obvious, and if he tells you he "doesn't notice" her flirting, he's not being honest. Especially if he's been known to hold her hand ("but awkwardly." It wouldn't be awkward if he wasn't aware that she was flirting...).

I think he should be more assertive about her moving in--ie if she's moving in, he's moving out. If he values your relationship, anyway.

[Alison182]

Yeah, i know. I find it kind of hard to believe he didn't notice. I mean...she was always blurting out "X, I LOVE YOU, You're the coolest guy EVER!". I mean....not everybody says that to people.
I wish he was more assertive in this and would tell her to back down, but he is quite a shy guy, and doesnt like to cause any trouble (even though this whole situation is causing me trouble).

[Licence]

Frankly I'm a little bit suspicious of your boyfriend from what you've written here... Her behavior from your descriptions seems pretty obvious, and if he tells you he "doesn't notice" her flirting, he's not being honest. Especially if he's been known to hold her hand ("but awkwardly." It wouldn't be awkward if he wasn't aware that she was flirting...).

I think he should be more assertive about her moving in--ie if she's moving in, he's moving out. If he values your relationship, anyway.

+1

This is what I've been thinking the whole way through reading this thread. Sorry but I would have serious issues if my GF treated me the way your BF has treated you.