You really find out who your friends are when you lose weight....(rant)

[Alicia Avocado]

So far I have lost nearly 8lbs....I find with my petite frame it is really noticeable after the 5lb mark, and I thought I'd be greeted with encouragement and support like I've given others, but instead I was given comments like:


"Yeah, that much isn't really a huge loss, but it's a good start."
"You're losing it too quickly!" Me: "No I'm not" Them: "Well I don't think it's healthy." (it's been about 1-2 lbs a week....and I went to see my doctor recently and he said I'm looking/doing great)
"Yeah I lost like 20 lbs."
"Be careful or you'll gain it all back."
"Oh really? I didn't notice."


When all my friends lost weight, I recognized their hardwork by listening to them talk about how good they feel when they fit into a smaller size etc, and I tell them how awesome they look, and I go over the top praising them, but you know what? they deserve it! they worked their a$$es off to lose weight, and frankly they deserve a moment in the spotlight.

But whenever the topic comes up about MY weightloss....they want to talk about themselves, downplay what I've done, or talk about how I looked before.

I have a tough skin and I've been ignoring it. But the worst part of ALL of this is the following:

My Grandma called my Dad guilt-tripping about how I never come visit. Well, she never calls me, has never dropped by to see any of the places I have lived in (we have always lived a 5 minute drive apart on average) and when I do come and visit, she tells me it's a bad time and to call first, but when I do call, she tells me to just drop by, so then I crop by and she's looking at her watch the whole time....ugh....anyway.....

So I go over there and she had some out of town relatives there who I don't know well. I then realized she only wanted me to go there to do food prep and hand out coffee...but anyway....As I walk into the living room one of my relatives commented:

"Wow you certainly have a beautiful grand-daughter!"
My Grandma: "Well she tends to gain weight like her mother does, but now that she's losing she is looking better. I think her boyfriend has a lot to do with it."

Since I have pulled out of a really bad bi-polar cycle by making my self have a healthier lifestyle (eating right, sleeping better, changing medications, self-exploration, completed therapy) she seems to constantly say that he is the one that did all of that for me. RRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! then she has the NERVE to say it in front of everyone like I'm not even there.

I haven't told anyone in my family this, because I don't want to stir the pot or cause drama, but frankly people seemed to like me a lot better when I weighed more than them.

It's amazing what a difference a measely 8lbs makes....

Has anyone else been treated differently after losing weight?

I really am finding that the negativity makes cupcakes look a lot more tempting. :(

[Treehugger267]

Hugs...

I don't have advice, but I can tell you that your grandma must be related to some of my family members. I usually reply to my people after they say stupid things w/ "Nice!!!" while giving the raised eyebrow and stink eye combo.

Congrats on your weight loss and keep up the good work (it's for you, not for them anyway;))

[unovegan]

There's some jealousy and resentment there. Gotta love when people act selfishly rather than being selfless.

[Alicia Avocado]

Hugs...

I don't have advice, but I can tell you that your grandma must be related to some of my family members. I usually reply to my people after they say stupid things w/ "Nice!!!" while giving the raised eyebrow and stink eye combo.

Congrats on your weight loss and keep up the good work (it's for you, not for them anyway)

Thanks :) I replied with something to the effect of 'wow it's like I'm not even here."


There's some jealousy and resentment there. Gotta love when people act selfishly rather than being selfless.

I was kinda thinking maybe it was a bit of jealousy, but it'snot like I'm a supermodel...but then again, I am my own worst critic.

[Earthling]

I'm sorry Alicia :hug:

Well done for all your hard work, I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself even if 'friends' are trying to bring you down.

[GingerFoxx]

My assessment of the situation is that usually people who tell you you are losing too quickly when you are losing at a safe and healthy rate (as you are) are the sort of people who might be harbouring some jealousy due to their own weight loss struggles.

Those who claim not to notice or immediately counter with how their own accomplishments are greater could also be trying to boost their own egos because in reality, they might be struggling with their own goals and need to convince themselves that they are healthier than they are.

Weight loss can be a very difficult thing when it comes to learning new eating and exercise habits that will last a lifetime. Not everyone has the willpower, so rather than take the responsibility for their actions upon themselves, they will bring down those around them so they don't feel alone and can justify their poor choices.

Just some thoughts...

[giselle]

Just about everything will irritate you. Don't take it personally. It's a process.

[penny79]

Hugs to you! :D

[paisleyjane]

Oh heck yes. It's amazing what can happen when you become motivated to change your life, whether its' just eating better, losing weight, whatever. People change, and act differently.

I have lost 115 lbs. I have actually lost friends over this. I have dealt with people talking about my weight like I'm not even in the room, I've had people say "you'll be so pretty when you reach your goal weight" (the backhanded compliments POUR in) and "uh oh! looks like you've put a few lbs back on!" (losing weight gives everyone license to be rude. You would never say that to someone else!).

I think because weight loss is visible, it "seems" public. Everyone feels like they can openly judge you... "You can eat that?" to the chips, or "Oh, we should make some salad if Heather is coming." You know what? I can eat what I want, when I want. Clearly I know what I'm doing or I wouldn't have lost this much weight. I am constantly keeping my own health and eating habits in check, I do not need an audience or unwelcome advice. Thankyouverymuch.

When I started to go to the gym and eat better, I had allll kinds of friends enthusiastic about joining me. As I lost more and more weight, (and became more immersed in a healthful lifestyle) they stopped being so enthusiastic, stopped going to the gym with me, and eventually stopped talking to me.

Every time I see someone I haven't seen in a long time they comment on my weight. It would be nice to just see someone and not have this giant awkward moment of "yes, yes, I've lost a lot of weight." (I know I should be proud, and I am, but it's tiring and people rarely REALLY care, they are just being nosey)

It also changed my relationship with my ex husband. He would sit on the couch and eat fried chicken and watch sports. I would come home from work, excited to cook a healthy veg*n dinner and go for a walk. He wasn't into that, at all. Eventually our lives took us very different directions, and we split up. There were many factors to this, but the healthy-lifestyle divide was a big one for sure.

So yes - I hear where you are coming from! I have certainly noticed a change in my relationships with people. Strangers treat me better now, which is sad. It really DOES prove who your friends are. My best friend has treated me the exact same at every weight. She never backhanded compliments me, or judges what I'm eating. She tells me I look great when I see her and then drops the subject. My parents are encouraging but know when to back off.

I will stop here because I could rant for hours... :lol:

Congratulations on your loss :sunny:

[_sharon]

Congratulations on the loss, you are stellar!
As for me, it was a whole new different ball game when I gained the weight, which I still have yet to lose. Comments flourished from left and right about how plump I have become. Is weight all that important? Sigh.

[jenni-anti-fur]

bigg CONGRATS To You:):)

[KelleyMarie]

Alicia congrats on your weight loss. I know what you are going through. Last year I was on a diet and so was my younger sister. I lost 20 pounds and she did not lose any. I saw her at CHristmas and her husband said "Wow you have lost a lot of weight, you look good." and he wasn't being slimy or flirtatious, just being a nice bro-in-law. But anyway the green monster kicked in and since then she has been picking fights with me. She picked a fight with me in March right before I was supposed to come visit her so I ended up not going. SHe has not responded to any email from me since July 4th. She is pretending that this is about other things, but it is just about the weight loss and the resulting envy and jealousy. I sincerely hope she has been working on her weight and lost some before she comes for the holidays, otherwise I am afraid she is going to be rude and snotty to me at Thanksgiving and Christmas, because I have lost even more weight since last December.

[GingerFoxx]

Alicia congrats on your weight loss. I know what you are going through. Last year I was on a diet and so was my younger sister. I lost 20 pounds and she did not lose any. I saw her at CHristmas and her husband said "Wow you have lost a lot of weight, you look good." and he wasn't being slimy or flirtatious, just being a nice bro-in-law. But anyway the green monster kicked in and since then she has been picking fights with me. She picked a fight with me in March right before I was supposed to come visit her so I ended up not going. SHe has not responded to any email from me since July 4th. She is pretending that this is about other things, but it is just about the weight loss and the resulting envy and jealousy. I sincerely hope she has been working on her weight and lost some before she comes for the holidays, otherwise I am afraid she is going to be rude and snotty to me at Thanksgiving and Christmas, because I have lost even more weight since last December.

There are few things more heartbreaking than when jealousy creates a family rift. Life is too short for such things. Do your think your sister would be receptive to you offering her help and support in her weight loss, perhaps by sharing what has worked for you, so far? Maybe if you show an interest in helping her succeed as you have, it will revive the bond between you. Any loving family wants to see each other succeed, after all. I am not sure if this is an option for you, but I thought I would throw it our there.

[CKR]

Alicia don't let the haters get you down. It is truly a shame when people are okay with you lifting them up just fine, but don't like to return the favor when it comes to you. This is basically what goes down:
When you're the slightly over weight friend, or the frumpy friend certain people like that. B/c the role you play in their life is the person who is there to listen to their problems, to their triumphs and etc. They don't see you as a "threat" or as competition, or anything to envy. You're a safety. As in, safe for their ego.
Then, the tables turn. You start losing weight, you gain more confidence, you start getting a life outside of them- and they start having problems. Why? B/c you are no longer the over weight friend, the frumpy friend, or simply the friend. You are now more of a person, with a life and things going on for yourself. They do not like this. This is b/c it either magnifies what THEY are NOT doing in their own lives, or simply b/c the attention is no longer focused on them. People like this like to be lifted, but they aren't so good at repaying the favor.
Better you see this now in some of them so you can take that kind of negativity out of your orbit.

I've had a similar experience myself. I'm 5'9 and I used to weigh 170 pounds. Not obese but from my perspective it was over weight. Then I lost weight and went down to 140. I felt great, thought I looked great, and etc. Problem is, I was no longer the frumpy friend. It became harder to befriend females (at work, school, etc) b/c now there was an increase of insecure women around me that didn't want what they deemed as "competition" in their orbit. It didn't matter though, b/c the people I did become friends with I knew they were secure and genuine.

On the grandmother note- Perhaps it's just a sign of her generation. If she's older she may have been raised with the notion that everything women do is to secure a man. Not saying everyone from older generation has outdated thoughts like that, but old lessons can die hard.

[Alicia Avocado]

Thanks everyone for the support!

Kelly....that SO sucks! why should a family have a 'rift' over the success over one of it's members? that's pathetic of her :( hope things get better.


It became harder to befriend females (at work, school, etc) b/c now there was an increase of insecure women around me that didn't want what they deemed as "competition" in their orbit. It didn't matter though, b/c the people I did become friends with I knew they were secure and genuine.

Good point! I'm hoping to make more friends here, as most of my friends live at least 45 mins away, but frankly it's not like I'm tight with them. I could really use some positive friends right now!

[KelleyMarie]

There are few things more heartbreaking than when jealousy creates a family rift. Life is too short for such things. Do your think your sister would be receptive to you offering her help and support in her weight loss, perhaps by sharing what has worked for you, so far? Maybe if you show an interest in helping her succeed as you have, it will revive the bond between you. Any loving family wants to see each other succeed, after all. I am not sure if this is an option for you, but I thought I would throw it our there.


I did tell her how I lost weight and really tried to be encouraging toward her, but she would blame her inability to lose weight on her husband. What can you do with someone who won't take ownership of the food she eats and the resulting weight gain? She has been competitive with me my whole life, unfortunately. I don't know that I can do anything to change her need to either copy me or outdo me.

[RedLotus]

I've had a similar experience myself. I'm 5'9 and I used to weigh 170 pounds. Not obese but from my perspective it was over weight. Then I lost weight and went down to 140. I felt great, thought I looked great, and etc. Problem is, I was no longer the frumpy friend. It became harder to befriend females (at work, school, etc) b/c now there was an increase of insecure women around me that didn't want what they deemed as "competition" in their orbit. It didn't matter though, b/c the people I did become friends with I knew they were secure and genuine.

I'm always dismayed by how our society teaches women to be so competitive and threatened by one another. If a girl is fat, then we're all supposed to look down on her and feel superior. If a girl is skinny/attractive, we're all supposed to hate her and try to undermine her because she's a threat. It's so stupid and damaging. If women could shake the insidious message that we're supposed to constantly compare ourselves to each other, and band together, we could rule to world! It makes me think of that Ani DiFranco lyric from 32 Flavors: "God help you if you are an ugly girl, 'course too pretty is also your doom, cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room, and God help you if you are a pheonix, and you dare to rise up from the ash, a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past."

[CKR]

LOVE the quote Red Lotus! It is a very true reflection of a part of our society. I also agree about how women are trained to constantly compete with one another. Let's face it, a big part of the cosmetics and fashion industry thrives on insecurities of women and their need to constantly look better than other women- or similar to the women society has placed on a pedestal. It is truly disheartening.

[GingerFoxx]

It makes me think of that Ani DiFranco lyric from 32 Flavors: "God help you if you are an ugly girl, 'course too pretty is also your doom, cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room, and God help you if you are a pheonix, and you dare to rise up from the ash, a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past."

Coincidentally, I was just listening to this song last night.

[Alicia Avocado]

I'm not saying this to be arrogant or vain at all, but since I have always been 'attractive' and 'pretty' a lot of women hate me before they even know me. At a wedding my boyfriend and I went to there was this girl there who was the girlfriend of a sportswriter from another paper (my boyfriend is the sportswriter for another paper which is larger and has been working there for years, and thus has more of a name than the other guy).

Before our arrival she was heard saying things to someone who she didn't realize was a mutual friend such as "I can't wait to see this young hoe he's hooked up with" and blah blah blah. The funny thing about it is that she is overweight, has a mustache (seriously), and doesn't have a personality AT ALL.

So we arrive, and I get introduced to her, and I was very friendly and was choosing to ignore the crap I heard. The WHOLE night she didn't say a word to me-at all. Even when I spoke to her. I tried to get in on their conversations at that corner, but I was somehow ostracized...so I went and reluctantly chatted with the 'pretty people' and then I discovered I was hated on for 'hanging out with the better looking people...."

UGH! you can;t freaking win with some people...so I just let it go and chose to feel sorry for her, not because of her looks, but because of her insecurities and bitterness.

[Werewolf Girl]

Alicia don't let the haters get you down. It is truly a shame when people are okay with you lifting them up just fine, but don't like to return the favor when it comes to you. This is basically what goes down:
When you're the slightly over weight friend, or the frumpy friend certain people like that. B/c the role you play in their life is the person who is there to listen to their problems, to their triumphs and etc. They don't see you as a "threat" or as competition, or anything to envy. You're a safety. As in, safe for their ego.
Then, the tables turn. You start losing weight, you gain more confidence, you start getting a life outside of them- and they start having problems. Why? B/c you are no longer the over weight friend, the frumpy friend, or simply the friend. You are now more of a person, with a life and things going on for yourself. They do not like this. This is b/c it either magnifies what THEY are NOT doing in their own lives, or simply b/c the attention is no longer focused on them. People like this like to be lifted, but they aren't so good at repaying the favor.
Better you see this now in some of them so you can take that kind of negativity out of your orbit.

I've had a similar experience myself. I'm 5'9 and I used to weigh 170 pounds. Not obese but from my perspective it was over weight. Then I lost weight and went down to 140. I felt great, thought I looked great, and etc. Problem is, I was no longer the frumpy friend. It became harder to befriend females (at work, school, etc) b/c now there was an increase of insecure women around me that didn't want what they deemed as "competition" in their orbit. It didn't matter though, b/c the people I did become friends with I knew they were secure and genuine.

You wouldn't believe how much that rang a bell for me. Thank you for that post.

[RedLotus]

LOVE the quote Red Lotus! It is a very true reflection of a part of our society. I also agree about how women are trained to constantly compete with one another. Let's face it, a big part of the cosmetics and fashion industry thrives on insecurities of women and their need to constantly look better than other women- or similar to the women society has placed on a pedestal. It is truly disheartening.

I love Ani :) The cosmetics industry definitely thrives on women's insecurities. The ads are all blatant plays on them - "look younger!" "Look prettier!" etc. Women see an estimated 400 ads for cosmetics/beauty/fashion every day (assuming you watch TV, read magazines, and don't spend all day in your house!). Women spend a collective $7 billion dollars a year in the US on makeup and cosmetics, and about $12 billion on elective cosmetic surgery. That's almost $20 billion that we could use for so many other great things. Imagine if we used it on educating ourselves, or invested it, or donated to charities. But of course the industry doesn't want us to feel good enough about ourselves as we are to take that money elsewhere, so their ads are aimed to subtly make us feel like sh*t about ourselves so we'll keep thinking we NEED their products. I'm guilty of spending my money of makeup etc, too. It just makes me angry that I feel like I have to in order to look good. :(

Alicia - that sucks that you had to deal with someone judging you before they even met you. It's so frustrating that there's such a tiny little box of "acceptable" that women have to fit into. You have to be pretty, but not too pretty or then you're a snob etc. Be too nice and you'll be walked all over - be too outspoken and you're a b*tch. If you're too sexual you're a slut, but if you're not sexual enough then you're an ice queen (or, again, a b*tch). It's this ridiculous balancing act we're expected to perform in order to be "good," and it's like everyone (men AND other women) are just waiting to pounce on anyone who slips too far to either side. It takes so much of our energy and thought to maintain - it's such a huge drain on our potential.

Okay. Done ranting for now. Sorry to hijack the thread :p *steps off soap box*

[KHADIJAH]

Congrats Alicia,
On your weight loss. Dont let people like that get you down.

[Zealousy]

I know how you feel! My mom thinks I became veg to lose weight. :l She also told me that I'm going to have a stroke.

[Wishuponastar]

Alicia, take a deep breath. You are doing a great job! Congratulations on the weight loss and lifestyle change! From what I have read in your other recent threads, you are doing what you think you have to do for your own health(mental, physical, etc). Don't let other people discourage you from achieving your goals. People love to see other people fail. They are jealous that you are able to accomplish something that you can't. Keep your chin up and continue on the path you have been taking. Best of luck to you! *hugs*