I have been a vegetarian for life and it is a very important value of mine--perhaps The defining value (i.e. respect life and peace). So, that aside, I am currently in a fairly serious relationship with someone who staunchly stands by his love for steak and the grill. He also loves tofu and other vegetarian food (aha! open-mindedness, one of the first reasons I was attracted to him) and completely respects my eating habits. And for the record, since we have dated, his consumption of meat has gone way down because I usually cook dinner (and these hands do not handle flesh). So, sounds fantabulous, except that we can't quite get around the issue of The Future. My children will be vegetarian--I could not imagine raising them any other way. And he knows this and I think would go along with this, but half-heartedly. He would continue to eat meat and buy meat (AND GRILL), which will be an opposite message of my abstaining from meat. Would it really work to try to raise children as vegetarians when Dad not only eats meat, but also says there is absolutely nothing wrong with it? If they went out to eat, and they asked for it out of curiosity, would he give them a bite of his hamburger, etc.? AND if the kids asked me what was right and wrong in regard to eating meat, could I give an answer knowing that it would make their own father into the bad guy (or on the flip side, make me look unreasonable)? We have discussed this over and over, and we don't really get anywhere. To be honest, I don't really want to see steak in the fridge where I live or have to deal with grease on the stove or counters--I find it repulsive. But, I can't make him change nor do I expect him to (I don't think it would happen). So. Has anyone dealt with this, and how so? I believe now that if we split at any time, I will not date a meat-eater again. It is hard to be with someone sometimes when you can't share values. Unfortunately, I have encountered very few vegetarian men in my life.

I have been a vegetarian for life and it is a very important value of mine--perhaps The defining value (i.e. respect life and peace). So, that aside, I am currently in a fairly serious relationship with someone who staunchly stands by his love for steak and the grill. He also loves tofu and other vegetarian food (aha! open-mindedness, one of the first reasons I was attracted to him) and completely respects my eating habits. And for the record, since we have dated, his consumption of meat has gone way down because I usually cook dinner (and these hands do not handle flesh). So, sounds fantabulous, except that we can't quite get around the issue of The Future. My children will be vegetarian--I could not imagine raising them any other way. And he knows this and I think would go along with this, but half-heartedly. He would continue to eat meat and buy meat (AND GRILL), which will be an opposite message of my abstaining from meat. Would it really work to try to raise children as vegetarians when Dad not only eats meat, but also says there is absolutely nothing wrong with it? If they went out to eat, and they asked for it out of curiosity, would he give them a bite of his hamburger, etc.? AND if the kids asked me what was right and wrong in regard to eating meat, could I give an answer knowing that it would make their own father into the bad guy (or on the flip side, make me look unreasonable)? We have discussed this over and over, and we don't really get anywhere. To be honest, I don't really want to see steak in the fridge where I live or have to deal with grease on the stove or counters--I find it repulsive. But, I can't make him change nor do I expect him to (I don't think it would happen). So. Has anyone dealt with this, and how so? I believe now that if we split at any time, I will not date a meat-eater again. It is hard to be with someone sometimes when you can't share values. Unfortunately, I have encountered very few vegetarian men in my life.

This is a hard question.

And i think it depends with what you feel comfortable with.

Would you really be able to make it work with a meat eater long term

and

do you really want to give up this man in your life because of his eating habits/values?

Some people can and do make it work with a omnivore whether others refuse to.

It really is a personal question and you need to look inside yourself and see what feels comfortable to you.

I too have agreed since my last relationship that i won't date a omni again well not long term.

My husband and I were married before I decided to become vegetarian so a little different situation. He's a meat eater and has no intention of changing. He does respect my views though. There are definitely times where I know it would be easier to be with a vegetarian. We have the agreement that he prepares his own meat and cleans up after himself. He also can express interest in what I am eating but not in a condenscending way. In return, I will never trick him into eating anything, particularly tofu and I try not to be too fussy. He is learning more and more about the veggie world. It's only been 10 months since I've made the change. In regards to children, we have decided they will be raised exposed to all food choices. When I cook, it will be vegetarian foods and if their father cooks, he can make whatever he wants. They will definitely be aware of my beliefs and the realities of meat but they will be free to choose. Although not ideal, I am happy with this.
I understand you are in a difficult position. Having a omni husband while you children are veggies would be very difficult and the children will be very curious in what their father is eating. It may become a tug of a war.
Keep talking about it and you may be able to work it out. I wish you well.

I am also married to an omni. It is possible to live with an omni, but you MUST compromise and understand that a bloody steak(or other offending meat object) will make its way into your refridgerator from time to time. My husband and I decided that we were going to raise our children with a wide variety of dietary choices (meat included) I feel that they can make dietary decisions when they come to an age of reason. Until then they eat what Mom and Dad provide. My husband and I came to this conclusion before we got married. I want to present a solid united front to my children. Would I love it if my children decided to be vegetarian? Of course I would! On the flipside, If I married another vegetarian I would be just as adamant about raising my children as vegetarians. I am married a kind, tolerant and tofu lovin' omni. I chose to make the compromise. Not everyone CAN compromise the way I did. That's a choice I think you need to make. I'm happy with the decision my husband and I made.

IMHO, I think raising your children as veggies and your SO is not is an instant wedge in your relationship it will instantly distance him from your kids. It's an instant game of 2 (or 3 or 4) against one. I don't think it's a very fair game.

Being a vegetarian is obviously very important to you, think about what you will and will not compromise on. Think about what you will and will not live with for the rest of your life. I know that straight male veg*n folk are hard to come by, but they exist. I have met many. I just happened not to marry one. :)

I hope you come to the best decision for you.

(monkeyandbunny)

"IMHO, I think raising your children as veggies and your SO is not is an instant wedge in your relationship it will instantly distance him from your kids. It's an instant game of 2 (or 3 or 4) against one. I don't think it's a very fair game."

i agree with this comment. i'm not married, but my boyfriend is an omni. it doenst bother me directly. i'm not going to tell him what he can and cannot eat. he's incredibly respectful of my veganism and that is really all i ask. he eats vegan when i cook and we go plcaes wwhere i can eat more than a salad, thank god, heh.

anyway to the point...we've talked about future and stuff and hypothetical kids and stuff. animal rights is the main reason i became vegan in the first place, but like i said, i agree with mandb's statemenment above. i think there needs to be healthy compromise. honestly, i would rather give my kid free range chicken than dairy, and i would be willing to do tthat kind of compromise i would have a problem with him taking the kdis to fast food places and stuff. when the kid(s) was old enough they would make the chose if they wanted to be veggie on their own.

also, i think in a lot of cases, kids who were raised veggie..once they grow up and realize they dont have to eat what their parents tell them, they may rebel. at least i know of ex veggies who did that. obvisouly thats not always the case.

but again...monkeyandbunny said it nicely :)

All of these are very helpful and interesting. I realize compromise is a very important thing. However, meat has never been in my life--my parents are vegetarians, as is my brother. Both my brother and I were raised this way and neither of us have ever been inclined to start eating meat. I am not quite as comfortable with the idea of choice as maybe some converted people are...I guess like some people would give their children meat and then let them decide what they want later, I would rather not give them meat and let them decide later. I guess it's just a matter of interpretation. But still, a tough issue.

I became a vegetarian many years after I had gotten married to my husband and our children were 8, 5 and 2. I didn't demand or expect that he become a vegetarian but I did ask that he not bring meat into the house. He agreed. For my part, I worked very hard to become a good vegetarian (now vegan) cook.

He began to feel better, eating mostly a vegetarian diet and chose to became a full-fledged vegetarian a few years after the rest of us.

I probably could have accepted him remaining an omni, but I couldn't have tolerated him influencing our children that way. They came directly from me and I feel responsible for the kinds of people they become and their impact on our planet. If they ate meat, I think I would feel terrible, very guilty.

And raising your children with a wide variety of foods "including meat" is not a compromise; it is raising them as omnis.

Even though I currently eat meat, if I married a veg or vegan man, I don't think I could eat it in front of them, or bring it into the house, it's just disrespectful...
I think I would just adopt his lifestyle knowing it would be better for me, for my hubby, for the kids, and for the animals...I don't really see a problem with it...
I understand it must be very hard for you, with him grilling and all, wow...
I don't think you should break it off with him, but I think perhaps you should ask him respectfully not to eat it around you or around the kids...I don't think that would be too much to ask...I mean obviously he doesn't object to your wanting to raise the children meatless, so he seems to be trying to accept your wishes...Any relationship takes compromise and work, and to me, giving up meat would be worth it, the man I love means more to me than any piece of silly meat ever would, and personally the ethics behind being meatless are something admirable in my mind, also it's so healthy, too...I imagine it's just a hard adjustment for him, but not an impossible one at all, at least not bringing it into the house that is...
Good Luck, and don't give up on your love, just don't allow meat in the house! He can always eat it somplace else can't he?

I too had the same dilema, I m a vegan.
and a person who eats meat doesnt believe in the same values as I do.
so personaly I can date a meat eater but it wont last. coz sooner or later the question will be asked and when/if Ill find out he doesnt give a **** for animal rights and doesnt even agree to give up meat to save lives of animals, well personally I would be really disappointed, and wont get involved in a deeper relationship with that person.
so what Ive decided is that if Ill find an omni that I really like Ill try to make a veggie or perhaps a vegan of him by telling him a lot of facts. but if it wont work I will probably just leave it...

I became a vegetarian after starting a relationship with my current boyfriend. I do it for moral reasons, but it isn't terribly easy for me because I still love the smell of meat and crave it on occasion, and I've had several lapses. Luckily, my boyfriend has been very supportive of me, and he recently went vegetarian cold tofurkey. It was his own decision, no prodding from me. Although he's doing it mainly for health rather than moral reasons, I know that my non-judgemental example had a great impact on him - he never thought he would go veg.

Perhaps if you give your current guy more time he'll eventually cut meat out of his diet altogether. But I think giving him space about the issue is important; when people feel they're being constantly confronted they tend to get defensive. The issue of how to deal with meat around the kids will eventually be an important one, but you have a lot of time before you need to reach an agreement on that one.

You might want to check out the following thread:

http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=6314

It's a long one and a few months old, but there was a lot of related discussion you might enjoy reading.

There are a LOT of people here who are veg for health reasons alone, so they see nothing wrong with eating meat, therefore you'll find a lot of responses that will tell you they're in happy relationships with omnis and it should be a non-issue. That doesn't account for everyone, there's people who would prefer that they were with another veggie because they're ethical veg*ns, but they fell in love and can't imagine being with someone else. It's definitely a serious dilemma.
Whatever decision you come to is valid. I personally am one of those that could NOT be in a serious relationship with someone who wasn't on the same page on this issue. I wouldn't even live with roommates who kept meat in the house unless it was a desperate situation. I expect raising veg*n kids to be quite a challenge as it is, I would hate to have that issue at home too.

Good luck!

And raising your children with a wide variety of foods "including meat" is not a compromise; it is raising them as omnis.

For the record, I never called my (future) children veg*ns. Nor would I give them the label unless they truely earned it. :) Does the fact that I plan to raise my children as omni's offend you?

Yes, my (future) children will be omni's until they come to an age where they decide they want to be vegetarian (or not) It was a compromise I have chosen to make in order to present a united front with my husband. I wouldn't do this if I was married to a veg*n. My children would be raised as veg*ns, end of story.

For me having a veg*n partner was a "nicety" not a "necessity". It is a necessity for many people. I maintain that if raising a veg*n family is important one must have a veg*n partner for support.

True.

"that's kinda like saying raising your children with a tv in the house is raising them to be fat ass lazy bums. or raising your children with a bottle of wine in the house is raising them to be alcoholics."

No, it isn't.

If you raise your children on a diet that includes meat and veggies, by definition you are raising them as an omni.

And as far as t.v. goes, it depends on quality and quantity. TV does not have to equal fat and lazy, but a diet that includes meat DOES equal omni.

As far as wine goes, children who have grown up seeing alcohol being consumed responsibly are LESS likely to become alcoholics.

Would it really work to try to raise children as vegetarians when Dad not only eats meat, but also says there is absolutely nothing wrong with it? .



life is very simple if you listen closely, and by your question i know you already know the answer.

"Turn around and smell what you don't see
Close your eyes ... it is so clear
Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen
On both ways you can get in
Don't think twice before you listen to your heart
Follow the trace for a new start"
Enigma - Gravity Of Love

and simply put, no. it won't work, especially when his family will have their saying ,and believe me, they will.
you're life shouldn't be about what you can tolerate or handle, but about what you want.

Unfortunately, I have encountered very few vegetarian men in my life.

You've been looking in the right places ?


Personally, but I'm a bit negative, I think you might be in for trouble.

I think a partner for live should share the important value's in life with you.
(we're not talking about the colour of the car here).

I think you have to share your concerns with him, but I also think that if he keeps eating meat, at a certain point, children would also like to try it.

Call me an optimist, but i do believe that it can work and that raising your children vegetarian (if both parents argee) won't put an "instant wedge" into your relationship.

First, you need to figure out why his meat eating is ok to you. Then, when you have children, you can explain to them why dad is ok and why you (and the kids) are vegetarian. You can also explain that they do have a choice to be vegetarian or not--at the age of reason (the term that so many have used).

the fact is, kids are really smart--even the little ones. Simple explainations of complex ideas are something that they can understand. If your perspective of eating meat is that it is bad, and only bad people do it--then why are you "with" a bad person? you're right. it doesn't make sense.

So, my explaination is this: people need to make their own choices about what is both healthy and right for them. They're not "good" or "bad" based on these choices. THese are just the choices that they (or their parents, in the case of other children) make for them. THese are the reasons why we decided to raise you (the children) vegetarian (health and otherwise). . .and dad is not vegetarian for these reasons (let him explain it).

My husband and i have agreed to raise our children ovo-vegetarian, even though he eats meat. His family will dislike it and probably strive not to follow it when our kids are there (they really don't get the vegetarian thing, for instance, once they may baked beans, and she said "i used pork and beans, but i took the pork out so that you can eat it." i said "sorry, i can't eat anything that was cooked or processed with meat." she still doesn't get it.). My family does and will respect this decision, so it's no problem. We are a united front as to how we are raising them, and how we are explaining vegetarianism and omni-ism. We understand why we're making the choices that we are, how we came to them, and how we plan on teaching these ideas to kids.

When you understand this yourself, then you can see if it's going to be a problem for you. I mean, my husband has a great deal of respect for life and a great love of animals, yet he still eats them and wears them (meat, leather, and wool). Why would someone who has respect for life and love of animals do that? When you find out his reasons, you can better find commonalities and understand your own. And that will be what you teach your kids.

I was already married when I decided to become a vegitarian. My husband was not thrilled with the idea at first but since I buy the groceries and do most of the cooking he has adjusted and eats most of what I cook now. He will still go out to resaurants and order meat or eat it with his friends or relatives. I don't have any children. If I did I can see it would be real tough to try to raise them as vegitarian. I figure the best I can do is to try and create tasty vegitarian/vegan meals and not get too upset if my husband or another relative feeds them meat occasionally. It is not an ideal situation and I know it won't be easy but I think it will work out okay in the end.

The thing that bothered me most when I had an omni SO was that he didn't view a large part of the world the same. Furthermore, I didn't feel as if I tolerated him, but that he tolerated me. I don't want to be merely tolerated. I don't want some one to be with me in spite of my beliefs about animals and my diet, but because of them.

Since my view of animals is a huge part of who I am, if he didn't really see what I saw, I felt like he didn't really see or know me. It drove a wedge into my feelings of intimacy for me.

I will be optimistic about future omni's but realistic about what I would want long term.

I fully agree with zoebird. it is not an instantaneous wedge. It IS if your husband is against it, or you present it as "daddy, the animal killer."

my husband is omni and I'm vegan. I was vegetarian when we got married, and a month later I decided to go vegan with his full support. gotta love him. he was a vegetarian for 8 years, so he's completely comfortable with eating vegan and he eats meat when we go out or he makes it himself. he burns incense in the house after he cooks it, and he often cooks it when I'm not home. so its worked out okay for us.

as for kids. we talked about it, and he said he has no problem raising them vegetarian when they are young. he thinks its healthier for them anyhow. when they get to an age where they are able to make decisions about food, etc. then we will allow some experimenting. often, I think many times kids dictate what they WILL eat, which may be chicken nuggets (ugh). hopefully we wont get a picky eater, cuz we eat the most diverse types of food ever. vegetables my parents have never heard of :)

I just firmly believe (much like children who are raised with religion force fed to them since birth) that children who are forced to do things don't do them because they feel it deep down. Not to say that we should allow our children to go crazy and have no rules, but that every child comes into this world as a unique individual and I think its important to allow them room to grow as a person. I DON'T want to be like that character on ABOUT A BOY who dictates everything to her son. Our children will be weird enough at school because they won't have cable TV. I just havent sorted out how totally firm I should be about making choices for them on this issue. My husband and I are both buddhist, but we are not "raising our child to be buddhist." it doesnt work like that. it would be naive to say that they wouldnt naturally want to, cuz of course young kids imitate their parents and want to be like them. but to actively push it on them, no way. Our lama instructed us to raise them with the golden rule (treat others as you would like to be treated) and everything else comes naturally out of that. if they don't choose buddhism, it has no value for them really. it becomes brainwashing.

Of course, I also completely understand the other side of the "choice" issue which is that omni parents don't give their children the choice to be vegetarian. and we do what we feel is best for our kids. so its a tough call.

I just feel confident that my husband and I are on the same page and will work together towards that end.
XOXOXO
Beth

As a side note (slightly off topic) be careful burning the incense. Most are charcoal based which can cause lung problems over time. If you burn frequently make sure you have good ventilation (i.e. open a window slightly).

Thanks for all the insight/advice from everybody. It was good to hear what others have to say about all of this. Maybe the biggest problem is that I am not compromising enough on this issue. I know what I want (to raise my children as vegetarians), but maybe I am forgetting the fact that children can and will make their own choices eventually, whether or not it is the way you raised them. I guess even if I did have the opportunity to raise children as vegetarians, they might later make the decision to eat meat. And I would need to respect that decision. And, that decision would not be related to either my or my spouse's wants, but their own. It is a tough thing. In addition, maybe I didn't work hard enough to respect my SO's lifestyle. You WANT to be able to share views and values, but I guess it is more important to respect them instead.