I'm bored with nothing to do but ponder my existence and consider my actions and how they may affect others. I've had a group of friends for years who I don't really like....I don't really like anyone, but I hang out with them because I'd be completely isolated otherwise. Lately though, I've, with the help of caller id, been ignoring their calls and keeping more and more to myself. The only reason I even consider seeing them anymore is out of guilt of not being a good friend. That being the case, wouldn't it be wrong of me, to me and to them to hang out because of guilt and not because I want to be there? Am I a worse friend for blowing off my longtime "friends" because I truely can't stand being around them? I mean they all have real lives and girlfriends and they are real people, whereas I'm... I don't know... I'm just so socially awkward. I guess my jealousy of their ability to function in the real world is what causes my dislike for them, but as a good "friend" shouldn't I be honest with myself, if not with them too, and call it quits? Is it unfair to them to pretend just for the sake of not being rude or an a$$hole? But then where does that leave me? Even more alone? and not to be funny, but I'm almost out of Stephen King books (I've read all but 4 or 5, and I could wipe them out in 2 weeks). Sh*t I don't know, or like where this is going.. I've gotta go think.

rigmarole

You probably feel so akward around them because you realise that you aren't around people who support you for being you. It's a hard task to put your self out there and just be yourself but when you feel comfortable doing that you'll find that over time your find friends who are of similar values.

But it can be a lonely time ((hugs))

If you feel you grow apart from your friends you should not burn bridges with them but at the same time look for other things in your life to keep you busy and interested.

What hobby do you have apart from reading?

Rig, sometimes I feel like I just wana shut my bedroom door, put my music on loud and stay in my room. In fact that's what i'm doing right now, being alone is something I love. But at the same time I like to be with people sometimes. I don't feel like a very socially comfortable person either, and I can only hang around with people who know me for who I *really* am and undertand me. If they don't, then I'd really rather be hanging out in my room with myself (as i talk to myself and it's quite fun really) My mum thinks i'm weird for this but I think it's good for people to be with themselves sometimes.

Howevef I don't think that you should be totally isolated. You should go out to new places where you think you'll meet people who will understand you better. Mingle with these people and make new friends, keep in touch a bit with your old friends but you don't necessarily have to feel like you have to be with them all the time. Don't feel guilty, it's just moving on, growing apart from people, I've grown apart from people too, I think it's a very natural thing. But anyway yea i duno if that's all very helpful but I understand how you feel! :hug:

I am also struggling with this. I have friends from highschool and it has been becoming more and more obvious that the values that have always bonded us are shifting and our lives have different priorities. I feel guilty about it even though I shouldn't.

If you would like to spend less time with your friend, I suppose you need to start booking yourself for other activities instead. Other activities could even include time by yourself. Do you enjoy spending time alone? There's nothing wrong with it, but like veganmuncher said, it's would be good to find new people you enjoy yourself around.

I know how you feel. I don't really like any of my friends. Probably because it's so rare that I find a person I actually like, I'm terrified to try to form a friendship with them. It's easy for me to be rejected by people I never particularly liked...but sometimes I don't get rejected and that's how I ended up with a group of friends I wouldn't have minded being rejected by. It's a mess.

I just feel like they all have these expectations of me (low ones) and no matter what I do that's how they're going to see me. They have absolutely no respect for me whatsoever.

Anyway. We should probably try to find new friends. I should probably get over my fear of rejection. Good luck.

I've "given up" certain friends because we just grew apart, so I really don't think there's anything wrong with you ending a relationship with any of them if you feel that you don't want to keep it going. It's your life and you need to do what makes you comfortable & happy. My saying is "better to have no friends than to have people around that don't feel like friends".

Maybe try to find a local vegetarian group that you can go to occasional potlucks & see how that goes. You're probably just hanging around the wrong people. I'm a pretty social person but prefer to be by myself more than not. Certain atmospheres just make me a lot more uncomfortable than others, so I try to find those that I'm comfortable with.

BTW, I think there are only 3 King books I haven't read. :D Plus, you've always got VB to come to if you need some "company". Just do what feels right! :)

thanks guys. I truely hope that none of you truely know from experience how I feel. It's really not a good place to be, but I suppose I do feel a bit better knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

I play music (guitar, bass, some piano) and have tried to branch out in that direction but regardless of the quality of music I make, it's all subjective, it gets to be to personal and painful to create...so I end up leaving the group(s) to be alone.

I've actually looked for local vegetarian groups, not that I thought I'd fit in but one never knows, and there don't seem to be any in my area.

At school I see people striking up conversations with others eg. girls to guys, guys to girls, girls to girls and guys to guys; they all seem to be very friendly after a week or so, but nobody ever strikes up a conversation with me and I, being terrible at small talk, never strike up conversations with anyone. I can't figure out why nobody seems to notice I'm there. I am alone in every crowd of people I ever find myself in.

It sucks that the only times I truely feel myself is when I'm alone. But it gets to be too much then I come here and post and post for hours because basically I can say whatever (vent I guess) and not have to look at the faces of who I'm talking to, even though I frequently feel selfconscious about my posts. But if anyone here has read even half of my posts then I think they know me better than any of my friends (especially after this post). I don't know why I'm saying any of this. I don't know what my point is. I'll close with a line from one of my favorite TMBG songs, 'Why Must I Be Sad':

"Sad, sad, sad, sad...Why must I be sad? Rows of dandelions growing all around me... why must I be sad?"

rigmarole

:hug: You know, I think you'd be really surprised at the number of people that feel the same way you do. However, I think it's very important to be alone for a while in your life. I was alone for a pretty long period of time and actually came out the better for it. It was very difficult and sad for me at first, but I learned to depend on myself and to not feel bad about being alone. Now, I still don't really hang out with others much, but I'm fine with that.

From your posts, you really seem like a great person! However, it does sound that maybe you're just a bit insecure with yourself when it comes to dealing with others. I was that way, too, but after being alone for a while I really don't care if others thing I'm weird or don't like me (and believe me, I can be quite a freak!). You know what, though? I've found that when I just act like myself and am secure in myself around others that people seem to like me even more. If they don't like me, so be it. They can kiss my patootie! :moonpie:

Rant away all you want. That's what this forum is here for! :)

I've been alone for the better part of 10 years. It's really insane when I think about it. And it's not that I care what others think, though I kind of do, but I can never tell what others think of me. From my perspective people don't look at me like they look at other "real" people. It's like I have a stamp on my forehead that says don't talk to me, don't look at me, and whatever you do don't even think about making eye contact. At times I like this distance from others, much of the time actually. I feel a certain comfort in knowing that people don't expect ANYTHING from me, but there are times, like recently when I feel very overwhelmed by the emptiness which surrounds my existence. I really don't see any sweeping changes coming over my life any time soon though.

Oh well, thanks for the support and letting me rant a bit. It's time for me to put on my mask, and hide my self pity hatred from the general populus thereby geting back to my stoic existence where my emotions don't mean squat to me.

peace,

rigmarole

Rigmarole-
How old are you and where do you live?

25, New Jersey

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, Rigmarole.

It probably won't help much, but I was unbelievably depressed and alone for many, many years. Every relationship, friendship or otherwise, I would develop was a disappointment. People aren't very kind to one another, most are selfish as hell, and I didn't (and still don't) have much in common with other people.
I still feel like an alien most of the time, even though I do genuinely like people and they like me just fine - I just don't fit with folks, really, and I never have.
I could never begin to count the tears I've cried and how many times I've wanted to die in my grief, loneliness, and often even bitter self-hatred

Yet I managed somehow to find someone that loves me truly and deeply, in all my eccentristic (sp?) glory. I'm not alone anymore, but now my world is mostly a world made up only of my own small tribe. My mate and my progeny are my best and only true friends. I'm actually happy - at least as happy as I can be in such an odd, ravaged world.

You truly never know what life holds in store - just when it seems like your future is clear (and clearly dreary) you'll get the rug yanked - sometimes in a terrible way and sometimes in a way so wonderful that you'll never stop marvelling at how quickly things can change.

Hang in there and try to have faith that there are a few diamonds to be found in the sea of glass.....and keep reading those Stephen King books again and again (especially the Talisman and the Gunslinger series!)

I don't think that your problem is inappropriate, we all need some advice at some point or another. I think that as we get older we grow apart from friends and work on developing ourselves more. If you have things that interest you, seek out people who share those interests. Start small. Maybe talking to someone at your local hfs, or bookstore or music store will get a dialoge going and you can progress from there. I use to be terribly shy in my late teens and early twenties, then I realized that I'm no less important then anyone else, and if I don't speak up, I'm not leaving myself open to new opprotunities. It may sound cliche, but take some chances, strike up a conversation with someone who may share your interests and things might evolve. I just moved and I talk to everyone now. I'm looking for some friends in my area and I find myself talking to everybody, the people at the hfs, parents at the park, ect. If you're friendly and yourself, you'll find your niche, just like here :)

rig - sorry you're having a rough time of it. :hug: You mentioned preferring distance from others most of the time, and without realizing it, you may be putting out strong vibes telling everyone just that, which may be why others don't make the first move! I used to be really withdrawn, but what brought me out of my shell was a variety of waitressing jobs in my late teens/early twenties that forced me to initiate conversations with others. This made a HUGE difference in my life, as I learned not to wait for someone to approach me in a social situation - I took the initiative when I wanted to with greater confidence! Best of luck to you, and know that you have friends here!

friendships are transient things. i no longer speak to many of my "long time" friends because time and space have simply just let the frienship fall away.

instead of "coming clean" with them and telling them "hey, i don't like you, so i'm not going to hang out with you." you simply hang out with them when you want to, and don't when you don't want to. There's nothing wrong with asserting your space, and you may find, after a short vacation from them, that you do want to be with them occassionally.

you may also find that you will connect with other people. you may want to broaden your definitions of what you look for in friends. For instance, one young woman near me left all her "old" friends and was looking specifically for vegetarians. she came to the yoga center assuming that she'd find many. She only found one--and that's me. And honestly, we don't have a lot in common. i helped her find other groups that she might like in the area, and now she has more friends because of other common interests such as yoga, hiking, health and nutrition, environmental work/activism and so on. I'm a friend of hers, but for me, it's too early to say if she is a friend of mine. I have not decided yet.

In any case, there are many people out there whom you will get along with. YOu just need social skills--and those can be developed. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is a good book. It reads a bit awkward for those of us who want to be totall honest, but what i found was that there are skills in there that help us be honest in our relationships while recognizing how people work, how to honor them in the ways that they need to be honored/treated, and how to relate to them in various ways. YOu may also want to go to councelling and ask about how to develop social skills. They can give you many tools to help you deal with the underlying akwardness as well as how to really relate to people.

Good luck! be well and happy!

"how to win friends and influence people" is a great book. Even if you are not comfortable using the techniques with friends, it is very usefull for dealing with potential conflict and getting what you want from people in other situations, like professors, store clerks, bosses, etc.
It's a book about diplomacy, not deception. I read HTWFAIP in junior high and it changed my life.

Another good book is "Intimate connections" by david burns. It is for people who have trouble creating enough social bonds with others. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0451148452/qid=1065369315/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-0995011-1434249

I know exactly how you feel, too.It's kind of a relief to know I'm not the only person here with this issue I'm a bit socially akward myself (er...shy). I didn't make any close friends in college, and broke off the ones I did have b/c they weren't healthy friendships (like you, I discovered I didn't really like them :( ) I had two good friends in highschool, but we all live far away from eachother and are all different people now. I feel that if it weren't for the relationship I had with my boyfriend I wouldn't have anyone. Sometimes it bugs me that I don't have any close friends, but I know that part of the problem is that I like my alone time, and that limits my options in meeting new people. I'll complain that I never go out and do anything, and when the oppurtunity arises for me to go out with people, I don't want to do it! (So I really should stop complaining about that, huh!) But the other part of the problem is the feeling of being socially akward, which I think is the bigger problem. But, anyway, that's my little addition to this thread!

It's as if anything anyone I know ever wants to do is go to bars, dance clubs(raves or whatever), movies, frat or house parties...basically anything you can think of I don't like doing. I hate to drink and I've quit smoking weed because I need my brain for school (math and science is very challenging). The fact is though that school, sitting around smoking weed, and playing music is all I like to do as far as activities with other people are concerned. Otherwise I just read and watch the news. I really think I'm screwed. I'm not looking for a "hug" and someone to tell me it's going to be all right (really!). I've known for a while now how screwed I am, but this is the first I've really put it into words. I am very anti-social. I've never met anyone like me, in person anyway. How can I ever meet a girl with those same anti-social qualities? I can't. It's that simple. I'm screwed.

I guess it's a good thing I'm so apathetic (most of the time anyway).

rigmarole

Rig - When you say school, what do you mean? Cos you're 25 :S

maybe you mean university / college?

It's just that here in the uk, we only really call high school - school

Rig - When you say school, what do you mean? Cos you're 25 :S

maybe you mean university / college?

It's just that here in the uk, we only really call high school - school

I'm talking about college. I've been out of high school since '96.

rigmarole

I don't think this is inappropriate at all. I find this in myself a lot, too. It sometimes bothers me that I don't have a lot of close friends, but I like to be alone, too.

Rigarmarole, I agree with cucumber noshers advice:
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If you feel you grow apart from your friends you should not burn bridges with them but at the same time look for other things in your life to keep you busy and interested."
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You wrote:
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nobody ever strikes up a conversation with me and I, being terrible at small talk, never strike up conversations with anyone. I can't figure out why nobody seems to notice I'm there. I am alone in every crowd of people I ever find myself in.
===============

I've often felt this way. After awhile, it ceased to make me sad. As a youth, i had people telling me "you must make friends," but eventually i realized it was no sin to be alone. That said, I enjoy people, and while I am not naturally good at small talk, I read Judith Martin and got advice from internet friends, on how to make small talk, and practiced it a bit, until I got a little better at it. Now, sometimes I can strike up a conversation with a stranger without making them uncomfortable, sometimes I can't. If I see I am getting nowhere, I stop. It they seem to be listening, I try to think of something else to say. If I can't think of anything -- I don't try too hard -- it doesn't help. Intead, I go over the situation later, and think of what I could of said, and what I might say next time: various possible scripts.

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It sucks that the only times I truely feel myself is when I'm alone.
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I often feel that the only times I am truly myself is when I am alone: but I don't feel it sucks.


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"Sad, sad, sad, sad...Why must I be sad? Rows of dandelions growing all around me... why must I be sad?"
============

Err, eventually I stopped being sad about it and started to like being alone.

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It's as if anything anyone I know ever wants to do is go to bars, dance clubs(raves or

whatever), movies, frat or house parties...basically anything you can think of I don't like doing. I hate to drink and I've quit smoking weed because I need my brain for school (math and science is very challenging). The fact is though that school, sitting around smoking weed, and playing music is all I like to do as far as activities with other people are concerned. Otherwise I just read and watch the news. I really think I'm screwed. I'm not looking for a "hug" and someone to tell me it's going to be all right (really!). I've known for a while now how screwed I am, but this is the first I've really put it into words. I am very anti-social. I've never met anyone like me, in person anyway. How can I ever meet a girl with those same anti-social qualities? I can't. It's that simple. I'm screwed.
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It sound to me as if your "friends" are screwed, and you are just fine, and that you are better off without these friends -- but as cn said, no need to burn bridges.

I think you are better off with no friends than screwy friends. Try to feel happy when you are alone. Then, once you have succeeded at that, if you want a friend occaisionally, you can try developing your small talk skills and other friend-approaching skills -- taking control of the friend-making situation, instead of waiting for others to come to you.

I have quite a bit of social anxiety.
It was diagnosed as generalized anxiety though which I dunno about.
It has prevented me from doing a lot of things, and my parents have only complicated the problem. I was told that I have secondary depression as a result (definately do) this is because there are things I really want to do but the anxiety tends to get in the way, which prevents things, and things just get worse if I am pressured.
I think it's important to remember that you have to deal with yourself and accept yourself before you can deal with others properly. I don't really know what advice to give you other than saying I understand you in someway, and that I feel for you, I know how hard a situation this is. Good luck to you.
I hope this is something we can both overcome. If you get a friend who you can relate to (all it takes is someone caring who will listen and be patient with you) then just let them know the situation, they will be more able to understand. Sometimes it's hard if you don't explain, because they take your quiet time personal and sometimes take you for unfriendly or think that you are rejecting them when they shouldn't. I think folks like us have just been hurt a bit, and need some support. Our hurt has caused us to withdraw, but it can be a great experience to learn from. Again, good luck, I hope I have helped just a little...:) :hug: