dumb boys and other things...

[rabid_child]

I was dumped last week by the guy I've been with-ish. It was LD and he likes me blah blah but sees no future and wants everything to still be the same just not have us like each other anymore *like that* or something. So yea, I've been horribly upset, feeling sick, not really eating, or sleeping, and generally angry and sad.

That being said....

One of my best friends from high school suggested I try internet dating. She met her current bf who she's been with over a year now on a dating site, and she said she couldn't believe she was recommending it, but it worked out great for her and I have nothing to lose, so she thinks I should try it.

In a way I think its an interesting prospect. I don't really have any good outlets to meet people around here. I don't do the bar/club scene, I'm not in school, I don't have a social type job. I don't have a lot of friends in the area since graduating college to introduce me to other people. What are my options really? I talked to another one of my good friends, who recently came out to me that she was dating her female friend, and she thought it was a terrible idea, and creepy and suggested (jokingly) that I should just date women. Not a practical suggestion.

I think part of my reluctance is the social stigmas associated with. I mean, even a good friend of mine with an "alternate" lifestyle was very unaccepting of the IDEA of it, let alone the reality. (quite hypocritical I feel considering she said she was gay and I answered with "oh, alright" and our friendship has continued as always) I'm not one to usually care what people think but I hate having to justify myself to people all the time.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Do you think its a good idea or a bad idea?

[veganmuncher]

aw Rabid, I'm really sorry you lost your boyfriend! I don't know what it feels like, but I sure can imagine!

Hope you are feeling happier soon, remember there are other people out there. Sorry I don't know much about internet dating, so I can't help you there!

:hug:

[meatless]

My brother and his girlfriend met on ICQ, and have been living together for two years (he's 21, she's 20).
However, it can have its downfalls and problems. I don't see a real stigma to it myself, but you'll want to be careful. Maybe use the internet to "find" people but don't have a purely internet relationship either. Take it off the net (carefully) if you think there's something there. If it is too long on the net, then you aren't really learning who each other is, you're learning and getting to know who they want you to see.

[rabid_child]

My brother and his girlfriend met on ICQ, and have been living together for two years (he's 21, she's 20).
However, it can have its downfalls and problems. I don't see a real stigma to it myself, but you'll want to be careful. Maybe use the internet to "find" people but don't have a purely internet relationship either. Take it off the net (carefully) if you think there's something there. If it is too long on the net, then you aren't really learning who each other is, you're learning and getting to know who they want you to see.

Oh.. hehe.. I guess I wasn't specific enough. The intent would be to meet in person (under careful circumstances, in public, etc..). I don't want an internet relationship. Seems pretty useless if you ask me. I think every relationship has its downfalls and problems.

[meatless]

Well, I guess sometimes people meet someone who is far away and maintain a relationship that way.... I don't think that is a good idea most of the time. Kind of futile.
As for using the internet to find someone for a REAL relationship, I don't see anything wrong with it.

[kristadb]

I have substantial experience with almost all of my friends trying internet dating at some point and the overwhelming attitude is:

DO NOT DO IT!

A little fling online, with some emails and instant messanging is one thing, but beyond that it is a bad, very bad, extremely bad idea.

For every 1 story of people who "worked", there are 1000 people who didn't and 100 horror stories (and I'm leaving out the obvious stalker/weirdo stories).

If you insist on online dating services, use one for your area, so that you can meet the person immediately.

And, if I haven't convinced you yet, remember my BF's ex? Yeah...internet :eek:

[dakinirawk]

I totally disagree, Krista.

I had a relationship with an internet guy and we even lived together a short while. It was LD for a while, we lived together for a summer, and then it was LD again. the LD is what killed it. but he was my dream guy at the time, and i was his dream girl. it was really quite fantastic. I wouldnt trade my memories of it for the world.

I think the main thing is that we were friends first. I met him on a chat when I was 17 and we kept sporadic touch all through college. I was in a serious relationship and never thought of him other than those late night "I just got back from the bar/party/etc., what are you doing?" Instant messages. Then my senior year, I was single, he was single, we started phoning. and sigh, we were in love. I went to his fall homecoming bash in boston and we were totally completely in love.

I think the internet is a GREAT place to meet people because I always thought of it this way: If I go to a bar, even if there is the remotest chance that my type guy is here, he was most likely dragged out by his friends and is too shy to come talk to me. HOWEVER, every night-at-the-roxbury, shiny-shirted freak will.

I think a lot of people have ideas about the internet. that so many creeps are on it. but EVERYONE is on the internet now. so what is the big deal? just be careful, realize there could be a liar or freak out there (like there is everywhere) and be smart about it.

Consider signing up on friendster.com. I think thats a great way to meet people cuz you can actually see how they are connected to you. its like the kevin bacon game, or six degrees of separation. I have something like 36,000 friends on there through my 12 friends I'm linked to. So anyone I click on, I know them through bob who knows sam who knows jill who knows jack....so you could actually contact some friends and find out that the person is not a psycho :)

Sorry for the rambling, but I gotta defend internet dating. There are a lot of amazing people out there who are single and have very few outlets for meeting people aside from the lame bar/club scene. And they all have internet access! :)

Good luck, girl. It gets better over time :)
XOXOXO
beth

[Marie]

I think the odds of it not working are the same as any other relationship.

I met the last guy I was seeing online.. I did end it but we still talk and get along just fine. And now I'm going to meet up with someone new.. and closer.. I'm sure we'll get along fine.

I'm pretty careful and quiz the hell out of them. I'd rather do it that way than waste dates on someone I end up not liking.

[kristadb]

Again, see my above comments re: for every 1, there are a 100 very very very very bad ones. Very bad. And those don't count that the arrestable-bad ones :)

[dk_art]

"If you insist on online dating services, use one for your area, so that you can meet the person immediately."
------------------


I dont think it has to be online dating service (sounds like that's the basis for your apparent distrust of so-called 'online dating'). Many people meet on groups or online places that share their interest. This is just one good point of this method as opposed to how some traditional methods can work (like meeting someone you work with or at some bar or other ways ..... these can result in good or bad relationships too).

[Marie]

I think the odds are the same as any other relationship. Of course the last one wasn't hunky dory... we had problems, but not because he was a crazy idiot online person. He was a decent person and if things were different he could have been quite a "catch"

I dated a total weird-o who ended up threatening me, etc after a few dates.. I met him the normal way.

Who's to say what can happen.. the best thing to do is to study the person before jumping in.

[Kiz]

Again, see my above comments re: for every 1, there are a 100 very very very very bad ones. Very bad. And those don't count that the arrestable-bad ones :)

This is true, but I think the odds here are exactly the same as meeting someone in the flesh first. How many relationships do you know that started in "real life" work out?

I met my guy online, and I had attitudes very much like Krista before I did. I am still a little stunned I met a guy this way. (We were game partners for a long time before meeting up, and it turned out we live fairly close by.) I was not just not looking, I was actively avoiding the whole internet relationship thing. I will say that there is still some stigma attatched to meeting a partner this way. I told a friend the other day I was dating a new guy but I had concerns coz he was younger than me. Her response was, "Well, at least you didn't meet him on the internet." Uh.......

I've never tried a dating site, either on the net or elsewhere. I considered Veggiedate for a bit, mainly coz I know NO other veg*ns (apart from you guys) and it would be cool to date someone with similar tastes to me, but I'm with my omni guy now. Oh well.

[kristadb]

This is true, but I think the odds here are exactly the same as meeting someone in the flesh first. How many relationships do you know that started in "real life" work out?


Percentage wise, significantly more ended up without people hating each other, etc.

[Epinephrine]

i've read a psychology research study that showed that people who met online were much more likely to be in a lasting (2 yrs +) relationship than people who met in person. i'll try to find it, then i'll post again.

ps. i've met a few people online, and they were no more psycho than people i've met in person. :p

[Epinephrine]

read the general discussion at the end of the paper (it's in pdf)

[Jessica]

Again, see my above comments re: for every 1, there are a 100 very very very very bad ones. Very bad. And those don't count that the arrestable-bad ones :)

Happens in "real life" too though, surely.

Meeting people through the internet is getting more and more acceptable. As in every area of life, there are risks. I just can't believe that for every 1 good outcome there are 100 "very very very very bad ones". That sounds like scaremongering to me and probably statistically incorrect.

[Kiz]

Percentage wise, significantly more ended up without people hating each other, etc.

Where are you getting your statistics from? Just curious.

[MRSSHF]

I've never personally dated anyone I met on-line, but that's because I met the love of my life before Internet Dating became all the rage. But I've had several good friends who ended up in serious, positive relationships with people they met on-line. Two of my friends ended up moving all the way across country to be with people they met on-line, and both of those relationships are still going well, over two years later.

One of my co-workers met her fiance through match.com. It turned out that they both work for the same large company, but with 10,000 employees, their chances of meeting face to face and forming a relationship were pretty slim.

Of course, you can end up in a bad situation with on-line dating. But I was in an abusive relationship once, and I met him the old-fashioned way through mutual friends (I was very close with the people who introduced me to him). We shared many of the same interests, and my parents even loved him. This guy came with a ton of great references, but no one knew that he liked to hit his girlfriends and threaten them with guns. Dating has its risks, no matter how you go about it, so I say go for it.

[Michael]

If you're considering meeting a guy online I know someone who would be perfect for you. :hump:

[rabid_child]

LOL. I'm almost afraid to ask, Michael.

[Seusomon]

My present lover and I met online, through a dating site. It's the most wonderful relationship I've ever had.

The advantage of the approach is that you can find people with particular qualities or interests, that might be rare in the population generally. For me, spiritual compatibility was very important - and the internet made it possible to identify potential matches. I'd otherwise have had to somehow get into deep personal conversations with at least a hundred people to have chanced upon someone compatible.

I also have several close friendships with people I first met online, through interest groups rather than dating sites. Again, a similar thing applies - you have the possibility of connecting with people who have something in common with you, even if that commonality is a pretty rare thing.

I did have one relationship I initiated online that didn't work out. But I don't think the way we met was especially to blame.

I also met a woman through a dating site that I now have a nice friendship with (we decided to be friends instead of pursuing anything romantic). She's great to talk to, our kids play together.

Bottom line - it's just a way of meeting people. Whether a relationship is good or not depends on the choices you make about the people you meet, not how you happen to meet them.

Krista, I don't know where you're getting this "1 in 100" thing - are these some kind of survey results, or just your way of expressing a personal opinion?

I don't see why there should be a stigma about it these days. People do everything on line - shopping, business deals, taking classes, socializing, you name it. Seems like it would be artificial to exclude internet venues if you are looking to meet someone to date.

I vote "thumbs up"!

[kristadb]

Again, I am talking about my personal experiences, the personal experiences of my friends and the personal experiences of acquaintances and former co-workers.

Fact is, I couldn't care less if you date online or not. You're going to do what you want to do and it has no baring on my life whatsoever. Opinions were asked for, I gave mine. Sure, it doesn't agree with the opinions of people here, but, again, I based mine on the experiences around me, not on people I dont know.

Rabid_child, if you want to know the problems that my friends have encountered from online relationships, drop me a PM.

[rabid_child]

Alright... I'm kind of feeling attacked a bit here, and I reallllly don't need that. Please note, I didn't make any comment, positive or negative, towards krista's opinion. I appreciate the feedback people have given me. Of course I'm going to do what I'm going to do regardless of what the consensus says. I'm not really THAT much of a lemming. I've met MANY people from the internet before, though I was never persuing companionship in that manner, and I've made many wonderful friends that way. Some friendships fizzled out, as some tend to anyway, and some people I've been friends with for 10 yrs. One of the doctors I work with just got back from her honeymoon with a man she met on an internet dating site. One of the other doctors I work with has been going out on lots of dates with guys she met online, and she said while they often lie about their height, and aren't too interesting, none of them have been any more awkward than people she's met in person first. As I said, one of my best friends met her long term BF on a dating site. I've known a lot of people who met other people online and nothing turned out horribly bad, just general not meshing sort of bad which I think can happen in any circumstance.

I think this is sort of a microcosm of the reactions I would get should I choose to investigate this route of meeting people. Some people are going to be supportive, some people are going to be wary, and some people are going to be downright militantly against it.

Thanks Krista, but I've read in the newspapers and seen on the news the worst case scenerios. I know what CAN happen. I don't intend to ever put myself in a position where I was in danger. Thanks everyone else for your thoughts as well, I'd appreciate it if we're going to have a big debate about it, if it could just take place on the compost heap.

[ceryna]

I met Jerry online, and we fell very deeply in love and lived together for over a year. Ultimately, the relationship ended, but not for reasons pertaining to the internet. The problems that ended our relationship could happen to any couple, regardless of how they met.

You can meet a harmful person anywhere...at the grocery store, at a bar, even at church.

That's not to say that I don't advocate caution. When you meet a person in real life for the first time, make it in a well-lit, public place. Tell your friends and family where you will be, exactly what your itinerary is, and what time you'll be home, and then stick to it. If you have a cellphone, carry it with you.

I've heard eharmony.com is really good because they do a lot of indepth personality testing to try to make accurate matches. Of course, a test is only worth the honesty of the taker.

Anyway, good luck, and I'm sorry about the evil boy. *thwaps him with tofu*

[Cougar]

rabid_child: It doesn't matter how you find love. What matters is that you find it. Good luck.