I am going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding that is not for about a year. The bride has already reserved her caterer, although I doubt it's set in stone what the menu is. But Initially she was going to have vegetarian lasagne, which I wasn't too keen on bc though I am not vegan, I am always trying to give up cheese.

Then the bride was talking to me about her menu and asked if I ate cheese, and I was eating a sandwhich with cheese so I couldn't say no! But anyway, she said she was going to have a veg entree but there are only going to be 3 vegetarians (one of them is vegan, I think), so she is not going to have it anymore. She then said matter-of-factly that there will be rice, tortillini pasta salad (has cheese in it), potatoes and rolls and we can eat those. She said it in a way like, "You'll survive". I mentioned that there could be chicken broth in the rice and I would like to know. She kind of blew it off. I feel like she is forgetting that this wedding is also a party with guests that she is entertaining. Thus far I am planning on taking a frozen dinner! But I am also bothered by the attitude that there won't even be veg lasangne, because there are only three of us (all of us close friends and one of them her bride's maid!) And she used to be vegetarian and vegan herself.

What should I say about this. Am I wrong to expect better treatment?

Sheesh. You're in the wedding party. She could at least make sure there's a dish or two for you! I'm glad missleigh's wedding, in which I'm matron of honor, will be vegan. I can't wait to hear a few of the pro-meat people (one of which is our friend she described in the Stupid Things Omnivores Say thread) complain about the lack of meat. I want to be nearby so I can listen and laugh.

No one is going to like my answer...

Yup, you're wrong.

Here is why. It is her wedding. She is paying for the food, she is choosing what she wants to serve and she doesn't want the hassel of different meals for different people. Just the same as when brides complain about parents butting in and we say, "It's your wedding; do it your way," the advice falls on both sides of the fence. She is taking that advice; she is doing it her way.

Eat well before you go and take up a small plate of food while there.

That pro-meat person is to missleigh's wedding as thalia is to her friend's wedding.

If I were your friend, I would be sensitive to the dietary needs of my guests if I knew about them in advance. However, I have learned not to depend on anyone else to provide food that I am able to eat, and I never wish to inconvenience anyone. Perhaps your friend is pre-occupied with other, more pressing, wedding issues. If I were you, I would bring my own food and not worry about it. It would be nice if your friend acknowledged your diet, but it is her wedding, and she can choose to do whatever she wishes.

krista-

While I generally agree with the "it's the bride's wedding" I also see it as a matter of being concerned for your guests, best friend and bride's maid. Not even green beans. Just some actual non-starch products would make me happy.

I won't be able to eat well before the dinner (what I would do if I weren't in the wedding party). I will be preparing for the wedding, HELPING the bride do a sh** load of stuff, at the loooong Catholic ceremony and then off to the reception. Plus, it's buffet style, it's not hard to have an extra non-offensive item like pasta/sauce veggies at a buffet.

But I do plan to take a frozen dinner. But really, eating a frozen dinner at the table of the wedding party? I am mostly concerned that she just blew off the whole thing. "Let them eat starch!"

Good point. I doubt missleigh would add a meat entree just to appease anyone.

Good point. I doubt missleigh would add a meat entree just to appease anyone.But my friend isn't morally opposed to vegetarian entrees.ETA or a side of green beans, other veggies, etc.

I said you wouldn't like it :)

Pack a small bag of snack foods to take along with you. You should have that anyways; there is always someone who forgets to eat on wedding days and feels faint before the ceremony.

If it bothers you that much, tell your friend how you feel. You are helping her with a lot and you want that help returned, in way of a special meal.

As a side note, I've been to numerous weddings where the majority was looked after; not the individual special needs. Dietbetics, people on low-fat diets due to heart problems, allergies, etc - these people are often not catered to at weddings. Also, she may have seen it in those terms; if I help her, then I have to help...

Bringing snacks is a good idea. Missleigh and I were bridesmaids in a wedding 2 years ago and we shared some snacks. We knew the food at the reception would not be veg friendly, and turned out to be utter crap (frozen egg rolls, frozen quiches, frozen everything). It was a bit frantic with the prepping and the photos, but we had some cashews and other stuff to eat so we didn't pass out. My Diet Coke addiction was leaned upon, too.

Hey Thalia,
I have worked many weddings over the years as a photographer or an assistant, and usually the bride and groom graciously allow us to eat at the reception. Especially since I'm the help, I never expect to be treated special with the food, but amazingly, I manage to eat some decent stuff most of the time. Buffets always have tons of fruit (some of it not even touching the cheese cubes! Ha.) and the waitstaff are always quick to find out whether the pastas are made with egg or not. Salads and rolls are pretty abundant as well. As far as a sit down dinner, I just said "no thanks, I'm vegan" and the server brought out a special plate with fresh veggies over pasta and a salad with oil and vinegar. So, it's possible to eat a little something!
As far as my wedding, since Ken and I are both vegan, we of course are serving all vegan food. This is because we do not spend our money on meat products. We just decided that if anyone can't go without a steak for a few hours, than they don't need to bother coming. The same goes for me when I am a guest at a wedding. I never expect to be catered to, but luckily most people are willing to accomidate. Being a member of the bridal party, I would think that the bride would be a little bit more considerate since you are a close friend, and actually helping with the wedding. Just in case, you better bring your own snack foods to hold you over before the wedding.

"But my friend isn't morally opposed to vegetarian entrees.ETA or a side of green beans, other veggies, etc"

Yup. This is why my attitude about meat eaters at my wedding going without meat is a little different than a veg*n at a wedding. They don't HAVE to eat the yummy vegan food at my wedding, but they can, and have no ethical reason not to. But, I also know that my ethical choice is exactly that, a choice, and that my choice won't always be catered to. Unfortunately :)

I think this bothers me more than it would have normally bc I have been questioning the over all friendship for a while. We've grown apart in that we don't have time to talk or see each other, but in other ways, too.

Plus I feel like either I am different or she is bc in the last year or so, I feel like she is rather rude to me. She goes through and uses my things without asking in myhome, she eats off my plate without asking, and gives me all kinds of unwanted advice and criticism. I want to preserve this friendship, but I am not sure how to put my foot down about some of these things that bug me. We've been friends for 18 years.

I was already hurt bc she told me that she would go to our HS reunion with me after I said I would really like it if she came (plus I thought it would be an opportunity for us to do something together, since we rarely see each other.) But she backed out after telling me she'd go. It's her right, but I still felt sad.

The wedding is already stressful to me bc I am happy for her as she is for the wedding, but she doesn't seem very happy about getting married. I have not said one thing to her to suggest that I not thrilled at that or whatever. But she has plenty of advice for me on my love life. Always asking if I've been using the personals, or challenging me if I say I am not interested in some guy. Frankly I am questioning this friendship and if I even want to be in the wedding.

It's been very, very stressful for me and the menu change just has kind of put me over the edge.

I agree that generally speaking it is the bride and grooms days, but I think that if she asked this much of Thalia she is obviously a very close friend and I think that is what changes the situation.. Thalia is obviously a good friend and good friends show respect and kindness to their friends.. I would never make a friend feel unimportant to me even on my wedding day.. I would bet that if Thalia could not eat from the buffet due to health reasons her friend would be more helpful...

It is not about making a huge feast for her veg friend it is about a couple of choices.. It is easy to make side dishes vegan friendly, so it would not be dishes only for Thalia others would also eat from them...

making dishes veg friendly is not the same as making them omni friendly... I do see a huge difference between not going out of your way to serve flesh ridden dishes at your wedding then serving a non animal dish. you can not compare making veggies friendly to making dead flesh friendly.. I doubt anyone would expect a Hindu to kill a cow for a wedding dish. being vegan is not any different. the idea of killing an animal is unspeakable to people who are against those practices. the longer I am vegan the less I can stomach the idea of killing animals for food.. I am not saying I am better and such it is just not something I am used to anymore, so it is freaky to me now.. so if I was having a dinner for lots of people I would not be able to make flesh for anyone, but I would try to make sure everything was friendly enough for even the most picky people.. It is very easy to make great food with out the use of cows and pigs etc..

As a bride-to-be, I'm having a buffet, and *shock horror* there will be a meat dish. Why? Because my fiance is omni. I'm not going to try and tell people what to eat. But, in every wedding I've been to this year, I was catered for. Granted, at one of these it was pretty poor, but mostly they've been fantastic. Most restaurants will offer something alternative for special needs, including vegetarian/vegan and those who will become sick if they eat the wrong sorts of foods (hang on, veg*ns generally fit into that category too). I disagree with Krista for once. :) I think the bride is a selfish git. She should try and be accomodating... to ALL of her guests (not that hard to do with a buffet). Would she be so callous if Aunt Martha was allergic to shellfish? Thalia, I may be a little impetuous, but I think I'd be begging off being a bridesmaid and attending the wedding at all... there are a lot of problems you've outlined and this seems to be the last straw. The bride has NO right to treat other people like crap...

Thank you all for your input. I want to add in reply that this is actually going to be a very low cost wedding. She has already ordered (a year in advance) food, flowers and cake from the local grocery, there won't be any servers or anything (we'll set up and clean up), etc.

I at least have some time to see how things settle out or get worse. We'll see.

I can see both sides of this issue, but like Carnelian, I never count on other people to have food that I'll eat. Even as an (omnivorous) child, I was an extremely picky eater so I am very accustomed to filling up before I go to an event, picking at whatever I can find, and eating more afterwards. I totally understand being annoyed at your friend's lack of sensitivity to the issue, but it's only a few hours of your life. If it were me, I probably wouldn't bring anything and just make do with what was there. I'd consider it a light snack. The main event is the wedding and celebration, not the meal.

That being said, it is still a little inconsiderate of the bride, given that she is a close friend. But you mentioned that you have been questioning the depth of this friendship for a while, so perhaps the issue has taken on a greater significance for you. As in, it's not just about the food, it's about how the value of your friendship.

(edited for typos)

I can see both sides of this issue, but like Carnelian, I never count on other people to have food that I'll eat.

I'm with you there. I have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and the bride asked the other week "are you still vegan?" then "do you eat fish"...... so I really have no idea what unpleasant surprises are in store for me in the plain plain salad I requested. I'd be fine not eating at all, but apparently that makes people uncomfortable. I have no idea why.

"I'd be fine not eating at all, but apparently that makes people uncomfortable. I have no idea why."
Oh, I know! It does amaze me when food is such a big issue to people at social gatherings. I have been at parties without a plate in my hand, and people act very concerned and/or weird. I have had to pretty much convince people that I came to be social, not have a full meal. It is nice when food is there, but does it have to be such a big deal?

This is interesting for me, because even though I haven't been proposed to, I have been thinking about our wedding and starting to plan it a bit in my had (We've been together for five years this October so really not that much of a stretch.) I absolutely refuse to have meat served at my wedding. When I was talking to her the other day, a friend of mine who would have to come from Florida (i'm in Canada) casually said it might be disrespectful to guests not to have meat, and it really pissed me off because there is no way in HELL I am going to support the meat industry, and certainly not on MY day, which I am paying for. Why would I want to be uncomfortable, and in violation of my morals, on my wedding day? But Thalia's situation kind of reminded me of this conversation, only her situation is in reverse. However, I do agree with the argument that omnis don't have an ethical aversion to veg food, the way we do towards meat, so it isn't the same thing.

Ah, I can't wait until everyone finds out what I have in mind for my wedding, lol. No relatives I don't give a damn about, no meat, no alcohol, no smoking... my sweetie's parents are going to flip (they are champions of "family," never mind that I think the ties that bind have a lot more to do with who supports and cares for you than whose blood you share), meat, and smoking. But I don't anticipate us receiving any financial support from anyone else, so I am damn well going to have my wedding the way I want it. Problem is, I have lots of fun under these circumstances, but everyone is programmed by society to feel pretty much the opposite way that I do about these things.

When I was talking to her the other day, a friend of mine who would have to come from Florida (i'm in Canada) casually said it might be disrespectful to guests not to have meat, and it really pissed me off because there is no way in HELL I am going to support the meat industry, and certainly not on MY day, which I am paying for. Why would I want to be uncomfortable, and in violation of my morals, on my wedding day? But Thalia's situation kind of reminded me of this conversation, only her situation is in reverse. However, I do agree with the argument that omnis don't have an ethical aversion to veg food, the way we do towards meat, so it isn't the same thing.

That "disrespectful to not have meat" is such bull****. As you said, veg*ns (well, many) have an ethical aversion towards meat, yet no omnivore has an ethical aversion to no-meat (if it's that big of a deal to them, they can eat meat before they come, or once they get home; hell, veg*ns have to resort to that at times, and for omnis it's a lot easier).

The way I see it is if they can't go one freaking meal without it, so that I can have my wedding be the way I want it, then it's pretty sad. :shy: My wedding! Mine! :evil:
Sometimes it scares me how much my identity is now tied up in veg*nism. I'm quite happy with that choice, but things like the wedding situation make me sooo aware of how "different" I am from your average omni.

the ethical aversion also makes it that in an omni wedding the vegans won't have anything to eat, and in a vegan wedding the ominis can eat anything they want.

At first I was going to say something similar to Krista, that it is their day and they should choose the menu. But, I am also planning a wedding, and like shewolf, my fiance is omni. There are people who are going to be there who are on the *horror* Aktins diet (at least 4 of them). Moraly, I don't agree with the aktins people, and don't agree with meat eating period. However, that is their choice, and yes I am going to accomadate them. I hate being around meat, but I am still willing to have something for them to eat. Your friend shouldn't hate being around veggies. It should be realitvly easy for her to have something for you there. And to be honest with you, it hasn't been a problem at all taking into consideration "special diets" (mine, regular people diet, aktins diets). So I'd have to wonder what the issue is with her...

I guess if I were in your boat I would just stick with salad (I think every wedding has salad at it) and like the others have mentioned, bring your own snacks.

Well, both my SO and I are vegetarian. And I guess it may make me a bitch to some, but I will NOT have meat at my wedding. Even though I do my best to hide it, it DOES bother me to be around people who are eating meat. It bothers me quite a bit. I don't even like hearing about it. However, I put on a brave face and try to pretend I don't care so they don't feel uncomfortable. So for ONE social event, just ONE, for what should be the biggest day in my life, I'M going to be comfortable. It doesn't hurt ANYONE to go one meal without meat, and since I am ethically opposed to purchasing meat, I simply won't do it. It's OUR day, and we'll be paying for it, and since we have to be uncomfortable in pretty much every single meat-eating circumstance, this one daywe're going to have it our way. If anyone has a problem with accommodating our desires on that one day, our wedding day, then they probably aren't our friend.