My daughter has an eating disorder and I don't know what to do

[Tori~CL]

I really hope I don't regret posting this. Yes, I know what an ED is but I have no experience with it. Her dad and step-mom(which is one of best friends from high school) is out of town at Disney world and I don't really want to call them.

Long story short. She competed in professional cheerleading and traveled all through the states,(her team is on google), took tumbling for years, plays volleyball(or did last year in high school) and runs high school track. So you know she is in great shape and she is. She loves sports.

She has no self confidence what so ever and pretty much makes A's and B's. I have spent hours talking to her because we are really close and we talk about everything. She missed school the other day because she told me she didn't eat in 5 days and felt sick. I so no, that is not true because I saw you eat subway with me. She told me she threw it up in the bathroom! This is not the first time she has told me this but I thought she was not doing it anymore. The questions she asks me about 'what is normal with a body' is so over the top.

I searched the history of the computor she plays on and I can't believe why she feels this way about herself. She told me she wants 'to be a skinny, skinny blonde with no muscles.' She has a perfect body and people give her compliments all the time. Hell, when I take her shopping the freakin guys I have to beat off of her. lol.

She has a great relationship with her Dad and me and each family so I don't think that is lacking. As a matter of fact she is spoiled. She has more high tec stuff than me. heh.

She spends hours in the bathroom just trying to find any flaw on her body. Last night she tried to point out her skin on her legs like there was something wrong. There was nothing wrong! I talk to her until I am blue in the face and we do have good talks but I think she needs help and not sure what to do about it or where to turn. Or like how serious this is or not. She is only in 10th grade and she is taking special classes to go into the medical feild because that is her hearts desire. She will be 17 this summer.

I just don't know why she is so hard on herself. I don't want to freak her out or anything but I really feel she needs help. What can I do as a parent or where do I look?

If you got this far, thanks.

[heidiny77]

:hug: for you, your daughter and your family.

I am certainly no expert and I have not had an eating disorder myself but I would say that from what you described she needs professional help. I would start by looking for a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and go from there.

[Tori~CL]

:hug: for you, your daughter and your family.

I am certainly no expert and I have not had an eating disorder myself but I would say that from what you described she needs professional help. I would start by looking for a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and go from there.

I think you are right, but stupid question. How would I break down that search with my insurance company? Would it be just 'therapist' in general or is there a way to search for a specialized one? I guess I could call them all, lol, because sometimes they really don't list this.

[rockindancer86]

Yeah, I'd recommend some professional help, too. That really sucks, I'm sorry your family is dealing with that and I hope she can realize how wonderful she is!

[heidiny77]

I think you are right, but stupid question. How would I break down that search with my insurance company? Would it be just 'therapist' in general or is there a way to search for a specialized one? I guess I could call them all, lol, because sometimes they really don't list this.

I have Empire and I think there is a way to break them down by specialty. You could always Google it or look for one in your phone book first and then see if they're covered by your insurance.

[Tori~CL]

Here is another thing that happened this weekend. Her new boyfriend(that I approve of) dropped by with a big ballon and a heart shaped box with hersey kisses. She always tells me she craves chocolate. Okay, I get that feeling being a female. heh. And then she says I don't ever have much junk food in the house.

When I got up she told me "Mom, eat this or take this away from me." I said I will take one. "She said take them all because I ate 14 of them. I said, you counted???? I said you always want chocolate so just save if for another day. She could not......

Then she said she didn't want dinner because she ate too much. Gah, I can't be around her 24/7 to see what she is doing!

Then tonight she ate my healthy dinner and then later said..'God, why I am so hungry. I said if you are hungry than eat! She said, I just said I was hungry, mom. I said no, you said GOD, like it was not normal to eat.

She says she feels guilty eating. Gah, we go through talks and talks.

[heidiny77]

From what little I understand of EDs, this is not about you and just talking to you isn't going to help. She's filling a void with the food and the purging or not eating is a way of controlling something she feels she can't control in her life.

Although she has been somewhat forthright with you, I'd bet money that there is a lot more going on that she hasn't told you about. It's best to start getting professional help now. It will be a long road and it will not be easy.

She needs your love, support and also your help in finding some form of professional treatment.

[Pixelle]

She spends hours in the bathroom just trying to find any flaw on her body. Last night she tried to point out her skin on her legs like there was something wrong. There was nothing wrong! I talk to her until I am blue in the face and we do have good talks but I think she needs help and not sure what to do about it or where to turn. Or like how serious this is or not. She is only in 10th grade and she is taking special classes to go into the medical feild because that is her hearts desire. She will be 17 this summer.

Sometimes teenagers (girls mostly) will go through phases where they get pre-occupied with a particular feature about their body and due to cultural influences rather than medical reasons they will display bulimic symptoms for a short time and then later seem to grow out of this phase.

However, Bulimia can also develop secondary to a condition known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559/DSECTION=symptoms)which can develop into a very serious and socially debilitating mental illness. I've seen this disorder affect some people who are very attractive people yet they have absolutely no idea how attractive they are and see themselves in a completely distorted sense. I'm not trying to diagnose your daughter with this condition, but can be related to some of the behaviours that you have described and is worth noting for future reference I think, just to be on the safe side. If I was her mum, I'd organise some counselling for anyway because even if it's not a serious condition counselling can equip young people with some great coping skills that they can take with them through life and will be invaluable in stressful situations. :)

[Tori~CL]

This is how it first began. Last year I had poptarts in the house and I never have them! She said she ate them and felt sick in the morning and then threw up and felt better.

That is when she told me she noticed how easy it is to throw up food. Her dad watched her on weekends as we talked about it and it all seemed to be better and like old news, but it came back again.

In my heart I didn't think it would be that easy for her to get over no matter how much she told me.

She said just discovering throwing up was like a stress releiver to her. I don't get it because I have never had an ED but I get it because I guess having and ED is about feeling in control of your life I guess.

Me and my daughter is so close and she will always get my support no matter what. She knows she can come to me with whatever she deals with in life and no judgments. No matter what. We both know this. I guess this is why I feel sad is because I thought "I was super mom and could always be there for my kids and take care of them." It hurts but it would hurt more if she didn't communicate with me. She does trust me and I am so glad.

I think maybe she wouldn't mind help because I did drop her a hint about it.

[Tori~CL]

However, Bulimia can also develop secondary to a condition known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder which can develop into a very serious and socially debilitating mental illness.

OMG, she must made that list. She tells me one boob is bigger than the other,(that is normal) I saw I grapic list of female parts on the putor because she thinks her personal parts are not normal, she thinks she is the only teen with zits and noone else has them in high school but her. She think she has big hips, stretch marks on her thighs she does a million searches for on the net, and she thinks cream will help them, one day she thinks her makeup looks great and the next day she says how ugly she is....

It's so frustrating as a mom. I never dealt with this as a teen and I even had an abusive dad!

So lost...

[cftwo]

You're sounding a bit overwhelmed by this - as I would be in your shoes. Here's a link to the National Eating Disorders Association webpage http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ They have a forum for parents/friends of those with eating disorders, and they have some information on therapists who specialize in this: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-help-today/ If you you can't find someone through this, I'd call your daughter's pediatrician and ask for a referral - get some professionals on board to help with diagnosis and treatment.

[synergy]

:hug:

I'm so glad your daughter has a loving, supportive and accepting family. That will go a long way in her recovery. It's not going to be an easy or quick fix, and this may be something she struggles with her whole life, if she cannot find something outside of herself to fill that void.

I am just reading a book about addiction called 'In the Real of Hungry Ghosts' By Gabor Mate (and addiction and ED's are related behaviors). There was an amazing chapter on the how are they spiritual problems at the root of it. That void people are trying to fill is because they are disconnected from the universe.

Mate says "I believe all of us human beings, whether we know it or not, are seeking our own divine nature. Divine in this context does not mean anything supernatural or necessarily religious, only the truth of our oneness with all that is, an ineffable sense of connectedness to other people and other beings and to each and every shard of matter or spark of energy in the universe. When we cease to remember that loving connection and lose touch with our deep yearning for it, we suffer."

"Addiction [and other behaviors, like ED's and OCD] floods in where self-knowledge and therefore divine knowledge-are missing. To fill the unendurable void, we become attached to the things of the world that cannot possibly compensate us for the loss of who we are".

I can see this relating to those who suffer from Body dismorphic disorder, or any ED very clearly- It's the idea that you are imperfect that haunts you, and really, when you are connected to the universe you realize your own innate perfection.

Your daughter's treatment needs to be one filled with loving compassion, which I know you are providing, which fills me with hope.

If I may, please talk to her Dad and Step mom as soon as you can. This is going to take open, honest communication between all of you.

[jenni-anti-fur]

I am sooo sorry that you have to go through this:)...bigg HUGG to ya:hug:

Personally I am recovering from EDs...and got help and with the support of my Family and Friends and some great Docs...I am doing extremely well now...its progress not perfection...and a day to day...I am not saying that its gonna be easy...but nothing worth it ever is....Good Luck To You Guys and I hope that it works out for you.

[Tori~CL]

Thanks guys for the great post and info. I talked to her dad this morning and we both agreed she needs help. He is the insurance carrier so he is doing the searching for me. We are all going to talk about it more when they get back in town.

I talked to my daughter today about getting help and she said she was fine and didn't want it. I asked her some general questions and her answers failed. I think she was a little mad at me for calling her dad but I told her as a parent it is my responsibilty to take care of you. By the end of the night I think she started feeling better and open to the idea. I told her that it makes me sad to see her going through this and we gave each other big hugs. :)

She told me she has no idea why she started this and why she does this. I told her that therapy can help her figure that out.

I feel bad for so many pressures that teens go through. And being the parent isn't easy either. heh.

[daydreamerx3]

One of my friends had (or still has, as some doctors say it is never truly cured) an ED. One of the first things to remember is that you daughter needs your love and support more than anything right now. However, no matter how many compliments you give her and reassure her that she is beautiful and that there is nothing wrong with her, she will still see herself as imperfect. She would be trying to control her body as a way of compensating for something else she can't control in her life. This reason might not even be aparant to her.

I wish all the very best to you and your family :hug:.

[swimmifish]

if she is throwing up her food then you need to get her some professional care. eating disorders like this are very hard to treat and most likely is only going to get worse over time and im not trying to scare you.

the only thing you can do besides get professional help is to maybe show her the consequences of her actions and how she will have no energy, maybe risk for osteoporosis, decrease health, decrease performance in her sport, etc. and ask her if its all really worth it?

[jenni-anti-fur]

if she is throwing up her food then you need to get her some professional care. eating disorders like this are very hard to treat and most likely is only going to get worse over time and im not trying to scare you.

the only thing you can do besides get professional help is to maybe show her the consequences of her actions and how she will have no energy, maybe risk for osteoporosis, decrease health, decrease performance in her sport, etc. and ask her if its all really worth it?

Get Help and Family/Friend Support System That Really Works:) and talking and explaining consequences that may help...but from my firsthard experience it didnt for me cause I was in denial for the longest time...seriously:(....Its a Long Hard Road...It Really Is....and an everyday battle...that I am slowly beating seconds at a time:)

Bigg Hugg:hug: To You....and Hope It Works Out Well for You Guys:)

[Tori~CL]

if she is throwing up her food then you need to get her some professional care. eating disorders like this are very hard to treat and most likely is only going to get worse over time and im not trying to scare you.

I think we already addressed this. Help is on the way.


the only thing you can do besides get professional help is to maybe show her the consequences of her actions and how she will have no energy, maybe risk for osteoporosis, decrease health, decrease performance in her sport, etc. and ask her if its all really worth it?

I've shared and had this talk with her a million times. She doesn't lack in her sports at all and does not throw up all the time. I am more worried about her false body image that she see's in herself. I thank a poster here that sent me a great pm that made total sense.

[jenni-anti-fur]

I think we already addressed this. Help is on the way.



I've shared and had this talk with her a million times. She doesn't lack in her sports at all and does not throw up all the time. I am more worried about her false body image that she see's in herself. I thank a poster here that sent me a great pm that made total sense.

Happy To Hear That:)

[SunVamp]

What I get from the little evil in my head (see another post I made on the vegan support forums) is that she feels not in control of her life, so she is trying to control her food...which she feels is the only thing she can control.
Also, teenage girls (and women) feel immense pressure through every type of media to be perfect...without a flaw. She might be sensitive to such messages, and those messages are just feeding the negativity about herself in her mind.

Just a thought. Sorry she and the family have to go through this. :hug:

[DefyGravityCC]

I would say that she needs help. An ED is a mental condition, her interpretation of her body is warped to where she sees herself as overweight. She could try a support group allong with seeing a specialist.

[tea please]

You are very lucky to have a daughter that is telling you what she's going through. Many people with EDs keep it very secret and no one has any idea what is going on until it's too late. Your daughter is crying for help by telling you. I hope she gets the help she needs. :hug:

[jenni-anti-fur]

You are very lucky to have a daughter that is telling you what she's going through. Many people with EDs keep it very secret and no one has any idea what is going on until it's too late. Your daughter is crying for help by telling you. I hope she gets the help she needs. :hug:

Thats Very True...and I know first hand...My Fam/My Sweetie/Close Friends Knew and confronted me...I of course denied denied denied for the longest time...untill I was ready to face it and get help...and I am doing sooo much better...hope all goes the same for you guys also:)

[.ghost.]

I don't have much to add, and I haven't read the whole of this post so I appologies if this has (probably) been said already, but I'm recovering from an ED right now and have recently restored my weight and although struggling I'm in a better state of mind than I have been for a good few years, which is partly due to having a great ED specialist who has helped me a lot, so if you haven't already started looking into it, I really would recommend helping her get professional help for this.

I wish her all the best for when she is ready to recover, and would just like to tell you that you sound like an excellent mum by trying to support her and by the fatc that she trusts you enough to tell you.

*hugs*

[Tori~CL]

I'm so frustrated and upset I don't even know where to begin. Her dad called the mental health number on the back of the insurance card and they told him that 'they' needed a refural. Which I called BS on because this is a HMO and that is old school by some insurance.

I called her doctor and had a bill to pay and payed it off before they would even talk to me. Their billing was messed up and they even admited it to me. I called the number and they gave me a list of doctors. I called all 6 and they either dropped the HM net, was not taking new patience, or they didn't exist.

I called back and explained and they gave me a new list of doctors around my city again. Same thing. None wasn't avalible, don't answer the phone,don't return messages or don't carry the insurance anymore. Left messages.

The nurse called me back from her doctor which is a pedetrition(sp lol) and the only doc they could recommend was one from Children's Mercy Hospital that is a great hospital here that deals up to 18 year olds. One and I can't get a hold of anyone and it goes round and round with voice messages and insurances.

This is total crap!!! Me and her dad have been working on this and it seems we can't find help in this area.

God bless the USA. {sarcasm} I have one doctor pretty much from a list of hope to hang on...let me count...26 so far...I am talking about counslers and pych docs. Just anyone..

At least me and my daughter and her dad talk about this daily. I think she is doing better but I am not niave at the same time either.

Hmm.....All we need is a counsler that deals with this sorta thing in the USA......:-/